randomthoughts

Long time

2010-07-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

I started this blog so many months, maybe even years, ago. I wanted a place where I could share my thoughts... be honest about my feelings.

When I started this, I was a college student who presumably new it all. I needed a space to share the things I thought I couldn't tell anyone.

Now, I'm married. To the man of my dreams... who I think is even mentioned here... somewhere.

Now, I've finally figured out that if you need a place to share your thoughts, it should be with your family, your friends, your husband. If you can't say it to the people it will impact, then chances are good there is something wrong with your thoughts...

either a.) they are hurtful to the other... well then you need to own them, or dismiss them.
b.) people will dismiss them... well, then you're friends and family aren't committed, or you haven't figured out how to properly communicate.

I don't know that I need this space to share these thoughts anymore. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here.

I was posting regularly... now that I'm not... where should I take this?

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- MePrint Page

Busy Busy Weddingbee

2010-03-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Things have been busy in the soon-to-be Miller household. We've been spending almost every single evening doing either something wedding related, or just out and about.

We've started dance lessons with Arthur Murray. I'm still very torn about the whole thing, but the money's been paid, so I hope it turns out to be a fun time. We're taking 7 private lessons and another 14 group type lessons. I can only hope that this really is the investment in our future that we think it is. It's just such a funny system, but I can definitely say that if anyone wants to be making some money and doesn't mind working evenings, dance lessons are definitely a racket.

I'm still working on our Ketubah with a vengeance. I'm trying hard to find one that really reflects us both, and is written on Klaf parchment. (actual animal skin). This seems really important to Matthew, so I'm trying to make it work.

We've run into some difficulties with things being slightly confusing. Lots of times where I swear that we agreed that he would do something by a certain time, but then it hasn't gotten done. It's not about the things most of the time, it's about the fact that it just seems so irrelevant to him to do them on the timeline we've agreed to. Does that make sense? It frustrates me so much because then I don't think I can believe him when he says he will do something- then he gets mad at me for not trusting him, and we go round and round with the same issues.

All the while this stuff is going on I'm enjoying life more and more. I think we've really started to hit into a nice pattern of being in love, being there for each other, and generally enjoying each others company. I'm a little miffed about how all of these things keep happening, but I certainly think that I like it.

Matt's still looking for work, so if anyone is in the Consumer products industry, let me know...

We're at about 80 days... wow...

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Jew- ish?

2010-02-11T09:11:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today I want to talk about making the choice to change religions. I've been in a quandry lately as being mean, and inconsiderate to my partners religious beliefs and traditions.

I had always thought that I was so clear. I'm not interested in a mixed religion marriage. To say that I don't mean that I'm not interested in marrying a man who isn't Jewish. Clearly that's true, since I'm marrying a Christian. I just mean that I expect to have a house and a family that is not two religions, but one. And yes, that one, is Judaism.

When I have been confronted by people from his family, I keep getting the message that they expect me to have a two religion home. To somehow 'respect' his traditions and upbringing. I think it's one thing to say that I respect Christianity. I respect his emotional connection to those rituals. I respect his desire to continue to celebrate these traditions with his family and our children when the time comes.

I think it's something different to decide that these traditions and experiences need a place in our home. yes, I say our home. We will build a home, we will build a set of traditions. As far as I can tell, we're mostly comfortable with the choices we're making. Yes, there are some 'sticky' points, but NO, we don't have to really figure them all out now.

I just want to understand how I am supposed to 'respect' his traditions, but still be able to clearly define my home as one in which these traditions are outside of the religious scope of our family...?

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Busy wedding, busy work= busy Izzy

2010-02-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yes, I know, I rejected the 'busy Izzy' for many years in school, but right now... it's the truth.

The wedding is less than 4 months away. Yes, you read that right- it's the first weekend in June, so it's about 4 months out, which I totally can't believe. There are so many little details that I'm trying to plan out. If you're in the area and haven't already started to collect glass jars for me (jelly, pasta, etc), then now is the time to start! Every weekend is filled with some sort of wedding related item, from trying on shoes with the dress (FUN!) to hammering out the guest list details (not so fun)...

I'm also starting to train for a triathlon right now. I know, I'm crazy. Unfortunately the mud-run that I do every year in October has decided to move to June, and that means I won't be able to participate. It's about a week after the wedding when I plan to be lounging around Costa Rica. So my sister suggested that I take up tri's, and I've started to train. I bought a swim cap and goggles and am on day three.

Work is getting really busy- with two events this month, and our really large events coming up in April and May. My biggest event of the season is about two weeks before the wedding- that should be fun. I'm trying to get PO's done, and I'm still at that learning phase where everything is difficult and I have to ask a lot of questions to get things done...

Okay- enough about me... how are you? who's out there? anyone at all?

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Over a month- Again

2010-01-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I can't believe it's been a month. And it's been a tumultuous one at that....

I'm not exactly sure what to say, except that things don't feel right. I don't want anyone getting unnecessarily worried about me, but I can say with certainty that I don't feel right.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and she tried to help me sort through some things. In the end, we determined that I'm not pregnant, I'm not depressed, but I am going through some emotional stuff.

Everyone I talk to wants to blame it all on the upcoming wedding. If it's not the wedding, then it's probably the changing of jobs... maybe the reason is the moving...

I'm just not sure. If you ask me to tell you how I feel about changing jobs, I would honestly tell you that leaving the old one sucks, but so far I'm learning a lot and am excited about the new one. If you asked me if I was blissfully happy, then clearly the answer would be no.. .however, I'm working, and trying to stay busy...

As for the wedding, if I look at it honestly from an event perspective, things are running smoothly. My parents have finally butted out, and there are answers to the biggest questions. I have food and drink, a Rabbi and flowers... I have a pretty dress to get married in...and of course, I still have the man who loves me and wants me.

So- if I mentally think that all of these things are doing fine, why do I cry about 3 times a week?

This, my friends, is the question.

I don't like to admit it, but I think that I am actually really nervous about getting married. I'm not nervous about my love, I'm not nervous about having chosen the most wonderful person I could ever be with... but I'm nervous non-the-less.

I'm not nervous about the logistics, I know that will all work out- in fact I'm still getting compliments about the things I've done and planned so far...

But then, what am I nervous about. I keep wondering about the work, the effort. About how changing me into we, but still keeping the I.

Did that make any sense?

Ramble, ramble, ramble... then cry.

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I bought a DRESS!

2009-12-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

That's right folks... it seems like this wedding thing might actually happen. I bought a dress while up in San Jose with my sister. It's gorgeous, and I feel so happy that I found it, and that I love it.

I think I'm going to have a cute little jacket made for me, to give me a 'different look' at the wedding (which is totally in nowadays!).

Other than that I've designed the program, I've finalized the guest list, I've written a 14 page logistics information sheet.

However, no caterer, no photographer, and no florist. Don't even ask me about the DJ or band, because that hasn't happened yet either.

UCLA is still a lot of fun, and I've started to do interviews for perspective CMUers. The holiday party season is definitely starting to get moving, so I'm really excited about that too!

I'm going to try to get back into a format of some sort while here at UCLA. I guess we'll see if that works!

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UCLA and the Wedding

2009-11-05T08:56:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

The title is my life... UCLA and the Wedding. Those are the two things that I'm doing in total... basically trying to schedule one around the other, doing my best in both areas while they both sort of kick my ass.

UCLA is great. So far, I'm really enjoying working there. It's complicated though, because it's a new job and I'm nervous about doing things wrong and not being responsible for the things I need to do. It's a different system then I'm used to. You would think that all of the UC's are the same, but they really are very different.

The Wedding. I don't think my father realizes how much he makes me cry sometimes. It's just sad that I get so upset, but I don't know what to do. He yells at me and my ideas, and it just breaks my heart.

I've arranged meetings with practically everyone, three photographers, two caterers, one florist. I'm working hard to try to make all of these arrangements.

Living with Matt has been wonderful. It's so nice to have someone at home, someone who loves me. Most of the complications are being sorted out, and my favorite moment of the day is in the AM, when he pulls me close and tells me he loves me. waking up at least 20 minutes before he needs to just so I can know his love. That's amazing.

The house is a bit of a wreck, but the kitchen is pretty solidly clean, and that's nice.

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How long it's been...

2009-10-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I feel a tad bit negligent in my not writing sooner. So much has happened since my last writing. On the one hand, I am finally no longer employed. I left UCI a few days ago, about a week. I am trying to be positive, but I'm actually not just sad, but desperately sad. Almost every day I think about what it is that my boss is doing, how her life is without me. What is happening with my office... I am desperately upset that I'm no longer doing the job I loved, surrounded by the people who have come to mean a lot to me. That those new freshman are starting, and that I won't get the chance to know them.

I have had a few offers, but none of them have felt right. I was so close to taking one, but in the end I just didn't feel good about never having my sundays as days off, though having Friday's off certainly felt nice. It just didn't seem to line up.

My boss keeps thinking that it might be possible for me to get my job part time... I desperately want to stay with them, and I'm not sure what I would do if the opportunity presented itself to go back.

I switched my phone service to Verizon to be with my fiance... I'm quite excited with the text messaging and the new phone I got.

I'm trying to keep up with the running for the 10K with the Mud Run at Pendleton. I've started to be able to run 5 miles in under 55minutes. I'm so excited to be working out so diligently, though I must admit that since I lost my job, I think I've gotten less diligent, despite the additional time I have to put towards it.

So many weddings...so many weddings. I've been to a wedding or a wedding event almost every weekend. It means I haven't played soccer on a Saturday in over a month. Actually, since before I got engaged. It's so complicated...

The wedding plans are coming along. I'm thrilled...

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The planning has started

2009-08-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

On Wednesday Matt came down for his usual weekday night with me. We've been doing the Wednesday night thing for about 3 years now, it's sort of our thing. This week he was able to come down before dinner, so we went out to Sonny's in San Clemente. While we were there we took a walk on the pier and really just enjoyed the night. On a whim, we headed over to the Casa to see if we could just swing by.

Luck was in our favor, since the Casa was open that night for an open to the public poetry reading. We wandered about and discussed possible options for our wedding. I didn't remember the place being so small, but we had LOTS of great ideas as to how to make it possible.

Then we headed back home and stopped by Matt's parent's house to pick up some avocados. We sat with them and just chatted about the wedding. I can't tell you how nice it was to just sit in the living room and just start discussing things casually. His mother asked me and Matt what we were thinking about the wedding, really allowing us to have our ideas out on the table.

There are still LOTS of questions with the Casa, and Mom and Dad want Matt and I to go and look at a few other places, but we've chatted about our first possible date! YEAH!

I can't believe that it's August, and that by this time next year I will have been married for a few months.

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ENGAGED!

2009-08-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Hi EVERYONE!

There might still be a few people out there who haven't heard, but I'M ENGAGED! Matthew proposed in the middle of the Kern River while we were tubing down the river on Sunday afternoon.

Yup, in the middle of the river. Matthew had put the ring on his pinkie finger and wore it while we floated down the river. I can't tell you how incredible the view was, and how amazing and shocked I was. I didn't even think that he had purchased it!

This photo was taken about 3 minutes after the proposal, but our lovely friend Chris Ash who was the instigator of the river floating trip.

So, we're planning a wedding. Stay tuned for future updates!

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BAKING GALS!

2009-08-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Hi Everyone!

I would like to make a team for BAKING GALS! It's a group of people who bake home-made baked goods to send to the soldiers abroad. I have the names of two different soldiers, so I'm trying to start with one of them, and hopefully next time we'll do the second.

I need to find at least 4 other people who will bake and mail items with me. The days to MAIL the items is September 5-20th (or so)! You can find out all about it online at bakinggals.com

So, if you would like to bake or send something to my soldier, please let me know either by leaving a comment here or by e-mailing me. Then I'll sign-up as a team leader and put the information on the bakinggals website.

Whether you believe in the war effort, the war or not; it's nice to do something to show we care.

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Big Decision Week

2009-08-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

There have been some very interesting events here at work. They have opened up two jobs that only the people that have been laid-off can apply for. One is in marketing, the other is the assistant to the dean position. I have to make up my mind if I want to apply for either or both of these positions by Friday.

On another note, I have to decide about grad school at USC by Friday. I have been putting off this decision, hoping that something might happen to make the decision easier, but so far, no luck in bringing down the astronomical cost of attendance. I just can't justify taking on that much in loans right now, especially unemployed.

Other than that I'm trying to keep busy at work. It's a little tough, especially when my boss is out for the next three weeks.

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Now it's really official

2009-08-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

On Monday they handed me my official 'your position is being eliminated' paperwork. YEAh! We sat in a meeting with some central HR people to understand our benefits and how we could go about re-applying for a job if we choose not to take severance.

Right now here are the things I'm working on:

1. Trying to decide if I should start grad school in the Fall. I would be starting at USC, with a tuition bill of a little over $8,000 for two classes. I would be taking classes on Monday and Tuesday from 4-7pm. I have to make a decision (read pay for classes) by Thursday August 20th.

2. Trying to find employment. I've been applying to A LOT of jobs, but I'm afraid that the 'cycle' for review will mean that I won't really get any interviews or information about the positions until September, by which time I will already have started the grad program if I do.

3. Should I go to Europe. For those of you playing along at home you may remember that the last time I got laid off I left on a month long cruise vacation. This time my parents are leaving on a similar vacation at the end of November. There is a possibility that I could both be in grad school and go on the trip, but only if there aren't any finals. This decision doesn't have to be made for a little bit, but I'm thinking about it anyways.

On another note, they decided to lay-off one more person. I'm not really sure if this is a lay-off technically. They have decided to terminate the contract of the marketing guy earlier than the original termination date. So, his last day is the 30th same as us. Unfortunately someone complained that he still had his job, so then he lost it. Totally ridiculous and sad.

Other than that, things are just okay. I'm trying to train for the Mud Run this year... I started training on Monday. No thoughts about how it's going quite yet.

I turn 25 this October. i know, ladies aren't supposed to say their age, but I'm really excited.

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It's offically Unofficial

2009-07-28T09:48:00.001-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I got laid-off yesterday. It's officially unofficial. They give me my paperwork in August, notifying me of my 60 days, which would put my last day of work here at UCI on September 30th.

It sucks. I'm sad, and annoyed. I'm angry that I was in a really great position to start getting my career really going.

Well, moral of the story, anyone looking for a production manager? Send anything my way, and thanks...

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Harry Potter, you rotter

2009-07-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I hope that this post won't spoil anyone still seeing the HP movie, and I'll do my best not to give away any of the important movie tid-bits, though I assume that everyone will have read the books by now...

I was disappointed. And that might be an understatement. WARNING- Negative commentary coming up...

I thought it was slow. I thought it bordered on boring. Each time something exciting should have happened, it just hit a tiny high then immediately dropped back to the ground. I didn't even mind getting up to go to the bathroom.

I went to the movie this morning with some work colleagues. What a great idea, team bonding over Harry Potter and lunch. Let me tell you how much I needed the happiness boost, especially since things here at work are precarious.

Anyways, I just thought they cut things in a really interesting way. They took out portions that I didn't understand, they excluded people and information that I was annoyed by. Every time they've done a movie, except maybe the first movie, I've thought they left out important information. Though it seems to be working for them, I wonder how the information they left out will continue to effect things.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that the cast was cohesive. I agree that the emotional roller coaster and the first love nonsense was interesting, but it wasn't enough to make me love the movie.

On another note, I can't make a decision. Unfortunately I really can't divulge what I can't make a decision about, but I can say that it's one of the biggest decisions I'll make. And once I make it, it won't be very easy to take back...

This weekend we'll be seeing Faith Hill at the Hollywood Bowl. I can't wait. I'll also be going down to Comic-Con next weekend. If you'll be around, give me a cellphone call.

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Nervous Nelly

2009-07-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Life is really interesting right now. I know I've mentioned it before, but we're going through pay cuts here at the school. In addition to that they announced on June 30th that they were going to be doing layoff's of at least 7 people, but most likely 11 people.

Originally they told us they would make a decision by June 15th, and inform everyone at that time. However they changed the timeline so we don't find out about who's getting laid off until June 21st. Woot!

Talk about a lack of motivation. How are you supposed to concentrate on all of those things you need to do to get ready for next year when you aren't even sure that you'll be around. I'm telling you that they know who they are laying off. They just can't tell us yet. Why make 58 people nervous, rather than just telling the 11.

In addition to that, things are happening around my family. I was looking at apartments, now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I will probably be under my parents roof until I get married. I was looking at taking a few classes here, now I'm frantically searching the job boards.

Anyone else gone through or going through layoff's? Any thoughts about how to keep my spirits up?

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Before the engagement wedding planning

2009-06-24T14:34:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

How much wedding planning do you think you can do before the official engagement? Is it really practical or a good idea to look at venues before your engaged?

Do your opinions change when I tell you it's the couple looking at spaces and listening to potential bands?

What if it's just the girl and her mom? What does that change?

I'm asking because I sort of feel weird about having discussions about my wedding when I'm not engaged, and yet I seem to have them all the time.

Are there other discussions like this? Somehow it's appropriate to talk about a mutual desire for children as early as the 5th date, but talking about what you'll name those kids... not appropriate until a few months before you decide to start trying. What are these invisible lines of social etiquette that we all have? How do we know what is appropriate, and what's not?

I've just finished a really interesting book called 'Live through this'. It's about a women who's two daughters run away at 12 and 14 and how she goes through the next 3 years of her life trying to find them/function/deal. It's this really interesting story in so many ways. Looking at the decline of her girls, how they went from normal 10 year olds to grungy street kids. How the 'system' is designed to help her children stay away, despite her good parenting and attempts to bring her girls home. How she deals with the two other girls she has, and trying to create a sense of normalcy for them when the other two are in and out of the house.

While I've been reading that, I've also started in on M@'s favorite book, 'Two years before the mast'. While it's been good, it's also very clunky, and I'm not just talking about the two 400 page hardback books I've actually been carrying around. He says it basically changed his life. That it influenced him so much when he was growing up. I just don't really see it. Interesting, sure, infuencing, not so much.

I just started into a book called 'Supergirls.' I didn't realize it was written by a 19 year old when I picked it up, but so far it's been annoying. I thought it was a collection of essays and thoughts by various industrious women. Really it's a look at the feminine ideal and today's media culture inspiring a generation of impossibly perfect yet ultimately f*ed up girls. Eh...

Someone at the office mentioned that layoff's might be imminent. Not really sure what to think about that. I really love it here, and it would suck to loose my job. At the same time, worrying about a layoff certainly isn't going to help me get better at my job or keep it any longer. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

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paycuts and furloughs and layoffs Oh My!

2009-06-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

We just got the first of what I'm sure will be numerous official letters about the upcoming Paycuts, possible furloughs and additional layoffs. So far we've had none of the above actually happen, but I'm positive that they will.

Since I work for a public university all of this information is public, and there has been LOTS of talk about it:

http://chronicle.com/news/article/6668/u-of-california-faculty-and-staff-members-could-face-8-pay-cut

For the record of this article, it's not the best one about the possible paycuts, but it is a public source. I'd also like to point out that I don't think I'm grossly overpaid. I think I'm paid okay, but it sucks that for the time I will work here I can never even think about getting a raise... I can barely contemplate getting cost of living. I can basically get 2% for the rest of my life, and now, they are going to take away the 2% everyone has earned for the last 4 years.... that sucks.

In this proposal that they sent out there were lots of interesting options. Option 1, just take away our money and we keep working the way we are. Option 2, they give us unpaid leave to make up for the $ they are taking. Option 3, they give us some unpaid leave, and make up the rest in a straight paycut.

Who in there right mind would say, "ah, just give me the paycut... that's cool..."

I've taken up event management gigs on the side to try to get a little extra cash flow. And my dad has decreased my rent by 1/5th to help cover the money I'm loosing. But no, I'm still not buying the expensive mustard. In fact, I'm barely getting by.

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Making Choices...or trying to...

2009-06-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

6. Make choices. Today’s twenty-something has an upscale problem: an abundance of choices which often leads to making no choice at all. If decision making is a weak skill, find ways to build your decision making muscle. Resist the urge to call your friends and parents when faced with a decision. Make little choices each day on your own, without consulting anyone else (unless of course your choice directly affects another or others).

I've stolen this from the 'Frisky site' here. I'm not exactly sure, but this statement really makes sense for my twenty-something existence right now.

We all know I just got back from Alaska, and yes, I will talk about it, but right now I wanted to talk about this interesting conundrum I have. Making choices. Anyone who's gone out to eat with me, gone shopping with me, or hung around with me knows that I am terrible at making 'mundane' decisions. Give me a big decision (which college to go to, which job to take) and I'm good, but ask me what I want for dinner at the cheesecake factory and I'm like a wax stature, stuck in indecision.

What's bringing this up right now? Well over the Alaska trip there were several times when I just couldn't make a decision. There were menus with 17 or more items on them, and that was just the entrees. There were streets and streets and towns and towns filled with tourist shops. Trying to figure out which t-shirt to buy was just so overwhelming. I'm happy to say that I did make a decision, but not happy to say that Matt's sister Katelin got to witness my inability to make a decision.

Why is it that I can't decide which socks to buy, but between three job offers I know what's right? Why is it that almost every time I go shopping I will inevitably return about 1/3 of the items I buy? Is this a problem?

I have often debated the 'problem' that today's youth have, the overabundance of options and choices. When our parents went to work, they had one job, maybe two or three their whole lives. My current boss was just rewarded for 20 years at the same company! I've already worked for four different companies, and no, it's not the type of work that makes me move around so much.

When my grandfather decided to work, he chose a job, and then he planned to have that job for basically the rest of his life. If not that exact job, then certainly the same company and the same industry. My father was basically the same. He flitted around a little bit right after the military, then again after college, but ultimately he chose a career and then he stuck to it. Both of these people didn't have that many options. My father never thought to himself, 'hmm... I have a photographic degree, but maybe I want to become and airline pilot.' My mother was a teacher. She never thought to herself 'maybe I want to be a rock climbing instructor, or a dental x-ray technician. Forget about the degree and the work I've already put in, I want to do something else.'

Now, it's almost impossible to think about something you can't do. I was watching NCIS last night and I actually started to fill out an application for the Mossad. Do I speak Hebrew? No. Do I want to move to Israel right now? No. Do I really want to be part of a covert operations unit? No. But I have this overwhelming opinion that if I wanted to, I could. That nothing is off the table for me.

My dad used to say that all the time... that I could be anything I wanted to be. What do you think?

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Crazy woman..no really

2009-05-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I have just come to the conclusion that I'm a little crazy. Okay, I'll give you a moment to nod your heads in agreement or cheer at my revelation...

Really though, I do tend to be a bit on the dramatic side. I'm dramatic, I'm overly invested and involved. I talk fast, type fast, walk fast. I go from tears to smiles and back again in an instant.

I also share much more personal information with people than I should. If you're reading this blog then you might agree with this assessment. Not sure why that is, sometimes it just comes out of my mouth. Perhaps it has something to do with me wanting to be a part of everything.

I wanted to say THANK YOU! Thank you for tolerating me, loving me, sharing with me. Thank you for being who you are, reading here, and deciding that I am important enough to be a part of your lives.

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Spring

2009-05-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

In traveling to Alaska I remembered a time when I used to read about an Alaskan mom... Scribbit. So, finding her page again I also found the 'write-away contests' http://scribbit.blogspot.com/2009/05/mays-write-away-contest-just-for-you.html

I really don't have that much of an interest in a Wii baseball prize, but I did think that Spring was a good thing to write about...

I remember the very first time I knew spring. For most people this age would be around 5 or 6 years old but for me, from sunny southern california, I experienced my first spring at 18 years old. That was the first time I remember going from a winter, where tank-tops just didn't work, to a spring where the sun came out. I remember getting up from my dorm room bunk that morning and feeling hot snuggled up in my comforter and blankets. I remember looking out the window and seeing a few tufts of grass on the formerly white lawn. I remember thinking how impossible it was going to be to find my tank-tops amid all the coats.

Walking outside I saw things I hadn't seen before. Girls in bikini's sitting on the concrete, men without shirts throwing around a frisbee...I thought they had all gone mad. It was still under 60 degrees, and impossibly cold to me. That, however, was the first moment that I recognized Spring.

Each week it got warmer and warmer, and I remember being so happy when the last of the snow fell away...

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Lots of Random Thoughts

2009-05-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This week has been very trying with everything going on... I really hope that Grey's Anatomy is as good as everyone said it is, that's what I'm doing at Lunch today... Is it easier to be a Christian? Not just in America, but everywhere?...Matt is going down to 'war' by the Mexican American border, I'm trying hard not to freak out to much... Anyone know the weather in Alaska at the start of June?...What do people like to eat at a potluck? My tuna/tomatoes did not go over very well...Is there something wrong with having an honest conversation about how everyone can improve conversations?... My sister gets married in less than 10 days, we're almost at less than a week... Is it odd that I cry a little when I think about her changing her name... There was a man on campus yesterday who was carrying around a paintball rifle, though the text message alerts at the beginning noted that SWAT had been called out... The trees outside my office window make me really happy... If they don't show up at Disneyland on Wednesday I might have a panic attack... I finally made really good biscuits for breakfast one morning, but I still think the brownies out of the box were a better treat... Mimi's new Strawberry Lemonade Sparkling Wine drink is really good!... I'm jealous of the fact that other schools are already out for the summer... Anyone else want to travel to London with me?

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Stuck in Wedding Crazy, but on a slight job down moment

2009-05-13T14:23:00.001-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

My sisters bachelorette party was last weekend. I have to say that I am eternally thankful that things went well. It started off a bit rocky with an extremely busy and challenging work week, but things finally got rolling when my cellphone died at the airport picking up Becca's friends.

The house we rented ended up being Awesome! I would totally recommend vacationrentals.com to just about anyone, since that's where we got the house from. It was a bit far from the wineries, but totally cute and cheap.

Friday night consisted of drinking (read 5 bottles of vodka, 4 bottles of wine for 9 girls), chatting (lots of new friends) and playing games (10 fingers and Dirty Words). We all stayed up until about 1am before finally turning in.

Saturday went perfectly, with the limo arriving at 10:50, complete with a cute driver. All of the wineries were great, and we started off things with Briar Rose. Probably my least favorite, but that was because we were the only ones there. Then off to lunch and wine at Keyways, which was at the cutest little table out on the patio. Lunch was great, and the wines were wonderful. Anyone want to buy me some Ice wine? Then we went to Leonese, where our driver went out and picked up some yummy hot brie/garlic bread. We polished that off with another 7 or 8 tastings. By the end of it, we were all wiped, and fairly drunk (read 6 glasses of wine!).

Saturday afternoon we napped, and showered, then some girls made this wonderful pasta dinner. We got all dolled up and went out on the town. Three bars later we were dancing at Club Eleven. We stayed out until almost 2am. For some reason cute boys really wanted to dance with me on my crutches, fun to say the least. Then back to the house for snacking and wonderful Mac N-Cheese. Yummy!

Sunday was quite quick, with basically good byes, some random moving of food, and me driving girls to the airports. Luckily things worked out okay, and I ended up at work that afternoon fine.

Some things were really funny. I found myself looking at my beautiful sister with tears in my eyes...that soon she would be a Wong, no longer a B--kser. Especially when someone commented on us as sisters. There were times when I just had to look away, but I know part of that is because she was so happy, and I'm so happy that she had a good weekend.

It was also mother's day, and although I didn't get to the Miller event, M@ did drop off flowers to my mom! He is an amazing man.

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Flower Deliveries make me happy

2009-04-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today Matthew sent two dozen roses to the office. My favorite part was probably the card "Because I can". I've shown the card to a few people, and they don't seem to find it quite as romantic as I do, but I just think it's awesome. There is no reason for flowers today, certainly not an occasion for roses, but I love them.

They fill my office with the scent of happiness. They are just starting to bloom into a beautiful existence.

On other notes, there have been lots of meetings at work. I think meetings are generally okay, but sometimes they really concern me. With the state of the CA budget, I am constantly on alert for thoughts or comments related to the words "pay cut" "Lay-off" or "Temporary measure". Not that anything has really happened, but the President of the UC system has asked the Board of Directors to approve the possibility for these things to happen. That's the first step.

I'm about to go into what I will kindly dub as "hell week". I'll be working every single night for the next two weeks. That's what happens when you are PMing two shows that open with in a week of each other, one of which is in rep, which means that you have two weeks of tech, not just one. Luckily the weekends are slightly separated, so I get one day off in each week.

Of course, it wouldn't be all wonderful if my sisters bachelorette party weren't right in there too! Talk about fun! I am truly very psyched for the whole event. I just need to finalize some little details. But, really, it's SO AWESOME! We're going to Temecula, I've rented a house, and we're doing Wine tasting. Just have finish the time line for myself, and figure out exactly how much food to buy 9 girls for the weekend.

YEAH!

Did I mention I have two dozen roses in my office right now :-)

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Strip-search in High School

2009-04-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm sure by now we've all seen the news about the supreme court finally hearing the case about the 13 year old girl who got strip-searched for drugs in a middle school in Arizona. She was brought to the Principal's office because someone else snitched that she had illegal drugs and was passing them out to people. Yes, the illegal drug was prescription Advil.

Let's look at this from the perspective of another students' mom. Here is a girl wandering around middle school potentially giving drugs to other minors. Yes, it's *just* Advil, but there are lots of drugs that interfere poorly with Advil. My own experience tells me that prescription strength Advil creates emotional imbalances in my system. As a random mom at this middle school I want to know the drugs my children are taking, and I don't want them passed out by anyone else. It starts with Advil, moves to Ritalin, and then where does it stop. So no, I don't think there was anything wrong in reacting strongly to the accusation that this girl was passing out prescription Advil.

Let's talk about the strip search part. What are the current laws related to strip searches? There are several differing philosophies. We've got the 'search is a search is a search' idea, then we've got the 'search beyond the reasonable limits' perspective.

In the first perspective we assume that because one has been granted permission to search a closet, a house, etc, one has also been granted permission to search a person. How are you searching a person without searching their current clothing.

Alternatively we have the perspective that a person's right to privacy outweighs the search, and that being exposed in this demeaning manner can constitute an invasion beyond that of the kitchen cabinets and underneath your bed.

In this specific case she was called to the Principals office, and the search was conducted in private by two females, one of whom was the school nurse. If we start at the basis that all schools have general guidelines which state that school lockers can be searched with permission, as can random searches of backpacks,etc. how much of a stretch is it that they decided to search her person.

Apparently the fact that she'd never been in any trouble before, and it was just Advil make people want to ignore the real issues of whether or not a principal can order a strip search, and then within this context if the strip-search that occurred was conducted properly.

I hate to say it, but with increases in violence everywhere, I'm a fan of voting with the principal.

On a totally ridiculous note, this girl says this experience traumatized her, which I don't doubt. However, I'm not sure how great of a model she is for the Arizona school system. Perhaps someone should have ensured she knew proper English before she left middle-school, Advil or no...

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Maybe Every Other Day...

2009-04-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

A while back I was so diligent I was posting everyday. I had a reasonable readership and I felt that I was able to communicate relatively effectively. Well, that's gone out the window, but I'm really going to try two to three times a week.

My sister got into town on Monday to finalize some wedding details and make things happen. Her bridal shower is on Saturday, so we're working on that as well. I have decided to make the cupcakes.

I know, I just finished the 9 person Passover dinner, I have to work on Sunday and I'm basically insane. But... I really want to...

Not only do I want to, but I want to try something new. This is basically my philosophy of life. Having multiple people over whom you are trying to impress? Try something new! Cook something new, bake something new, and just to throw it all in there, even add a new theme or location!

So, I'm baking cupcakes. I told my sister to pick a recipe out of my book. Then I've decided that I will make candied lilacs for the tops of cupcakes. Cute, adorable edible flowers. Throw on some of those little silver candy balls, and I think you've got something beautiful. All the better if I can get the little balls to be black, instead of silver.

So I'm spending my lunch on the hunt for organic, pesticide free lilacs. Then on the way to the dinner party I have tonight, I'm going to try to purchase some little silver or black candy balls.

Did I mention that as I write this I am trying to talk down the wine tasting tour company, answer 4 work e-mails, find a good tailor for my bridesmaid dress and figure out how exactly I can fight my speeding ticket. Yup- that's me. Those lazy days are long gone until Alaska.

**for those of you following along, Matthew and I got our first piece of mail addressed to both of us. Then my parents told me that I couldn't have my wedding in December. Please note, I did not mention anything about an engagement**

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Happy Passover

2009-04-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Happy Passover! Happy Easter! Happy Spring Equinox!

Passover is my absolute favorite holiday. Every where I go people are discussing the difficult cleaning rules, the lack of pizza and the general dislike of our Exodus remeberance event. For me, it's a pure joy.

This year I succeeded in a way I would have never thought possible. I cleaned a house for Passover, feeling reasonably to entirely sure that all the non-allowed Chametz was actually removed. Now, granted, I didn't search my house with a candle and a feather, but that $120 cleaning sure did a great job. I attended two seders, one lasting until almost 1am. I hosted a third, though slightly irrelevant, seder where I introduced this beloved holiday of mine to many new people. I successfully convinced those who live with me that they should avoid not only wheat and flour, but also the requisite corn and corn syrup us wonderful Ashkenasik Jews love so much.

Additionally I managed to make not just one new dish, but 4, each of which turned out quite well. I basted and roasted two entire chickens, and I felt quite good about the whole thing. I did all of that cooking after having attended an Easter Brunch.

I'm not going to say it was perfect, there were certainly enough tears to tell me that, but I am going to say that I think it worked, and that I'm slightly sad it's almost over.

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Trying to find the balance

2009-03-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It's amazing to me how much I struggle for balance in my life. Yes, I might be a libra, but I never thought that image of a woman holding scales would apply to me... it seems, however, that the more I struggle for balance the more I take on and the less balanced I become.

I try to excercise and achieve balance in my diet and my life. Then I end up going to the gym two times a week, missing phone calls and important dinners and feeling extremely sore.

I try to make new friends by attending events, joining organizations and participating. Then I'm so busy participating that when one of my new friends wants to do something I'm to busy.

I try to work hard and ensure that I'm an important part of the team. Then I end up working long hours and tired; to tired to volunteer to come in on the saturday when they need me.

I try to be in love, and acknowledge that my boyfriend isn't perfect. Then he goes out of his way to go to something with me, only to not enjoy it and we end up slightly unhappy and tired.

I try to do the dishes, keep a clean room and home for my mother. Then because I'm so busy and I can't make dinner I get yelled at- forget that I was the one who cleaned the kitchen from dinner the last four nights.

I try to be a good maid-of-honor, struggling to make plans that everyone can attend. Then when I finally get to finishing it all off I find out that I'm not trying hard enough, and that my thoughts are totally irrelevant.

I try to be a spritual person, with a Jewish note in my life. Then when I try to honor the fast I miss lunch with friend; when I want to say prayers in the morning shower my boyfriend thinks I'm weird.

The best laid plans of mice and men.

Men plan, G-d laughs.

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I really did have good thoughts

2009-03-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

There were several times this week when I thought to myself that I should blog. I had interesting thoughts about the overdrive of America (read, panic attack over work, gym, boyfriend, weddings, etc.); thoughts about the impending doom of the American people (really, do we really have to talk about that); thoughts about arguments with significant others (I think they are okay, as long as their productive).

However, at this moment, all I can really think about is the feeling of impending doom of my school, my department and potentially my job.

I wrote a whole long thing... and then I deleted it. Then I remembered that by writing this down someone else could find it, and talk about it, and that was no good.

So I'll be a little abstract with my thoughts, and yet, a little more focused.

I've just gone through my first 'we're hiring a high-level administrator at a school' hiring process. It certainly was interesting. I had the opportunity to interact with two candidates. We had to do for one candidate what we did for the other, which confused me a little because one candidate already works here.

At the end of it though, the whole affair didn't inspire any confidence. How do you get confidence when you're asking an Interim position to help hire a permanent position. What happens if the new higher person doesn't like who the Interim hired?

I'm excited for one of the candidates, dreading the other. Only time, and a few guys sitting in a room, will tell.

On a personal note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI AND CHRIS!

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I have decided that I really don't like King's fans

2009-02-19T09:39:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

because they are really annoying, and loud and just generally rude. And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that they beat my beloved Ducks at the game last night... nothing... I mean, you believe me, right?

There we were, Matt, Rick and I (and our very unfortunate empty 4th seat) eating hot dogs, pretzels and nachos just trying to enjoy a hockey game. I'll be the first to admit that I expect Hockey fans to be a bit rowdy. I expect there to be several good fights in the game, so why not some nice heckling from the stands. However, I expect that we are all adults, and therefore can understand how to communicate as such. I must have been the luckiest person in the world, because sitting right behind us I found the most annoying 6 King's fans. You don't believe me (I know you don't) but this woman must have been the spawn of the devil...

Not only the words that came out of her mouth (which are far to vile to write on my good, clean wholesome blog (yes yes, I hear your laughter)) but the sheer timbre of her voice. My ears are STILL ringing. Her voice could probably break glass. Thank g-d all those walls in front of her were plastic. Her and her boyfriend were such assholes. They were vile, and rude and stupid.

I agree with yelling at the refs (sorry dad!). Sometimes they suck it up, and sometimes I just need to express my distaste. However, if you're going to claim that a call was bogus, then you have to have some sort of idea what the hell you're talking about. This guy's favorite line of the night was the all not-to-intimidating "Disney Movie, you're team's named after a Disney movie!" ohhh.. scary. Yes, that's right folks. Not only was there a movie, but Disney actually OWNED the team for a while.

Moving on from the ANNOYING AND DISTINCTLY RIDICULOUS King's fans, the game was quite fun. At the last minute Matt's sister and Brother-In-Law had to bail, so I was lucky enough to be able to ask my new friend Rick. Rick is a really great guy. We work together, though not directly, so when we hang out it's a lot of fun. So far we've seen a movie, been to the game and we have plans to go to a Museum. Yeah! So Rick and I drove in from UCI and Matt met us at the game. Before the game I was even able to convince him that we HAD to have a delectable Mexican bakery treat from Molinos bakery off of Sunkist... yummy.

The game had LOTS of fights in it. Was anyone watching from home? There were at least two all out fist-fights. There would have been more, but the refs have been on this whole lets stop the fights kick... wonder why? Additionally, even though the Ducks lost (which was a first in my personal game attending history) it was a competitive game. It ended up being 4-3 Kings, which shows you that everyone was very involved. Lots of penalties and Power Plays.

When it ended we practically ran from the stadium so we could avoid hitting those annoying King's fans... you should be so happy stupid boy and girl in Row N 224... that's right, I could have taken you...

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Contemplation

2009-02-05T09:03:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Work has been a bit crazy this week, I wonder if it'll get better or worse before May.... this is the worst time it's been in a few months, thank g-d people are tolerating me... Yeah Go To Vail, congrats on your 1-0 win...Interviewing prospective students takes a lot of time, I sure hope my ratio of they got in is better than last year... I'm not that suprised that she was able to climb into the front-loading washing machine... What are you doing for Valentine's Day... Top chef really isn't as exciting this season, Stephan is just to good to make the show any real fun... America's Next Top Model starts up again this month, thanks for that Rustin!... Is the recession going to make it really difficult for me to get a car loan?... The Hyundai Elantra, any thoughts?...Late night bathtime conversations are great, until you wake up the next morning with still wrinkly hands and feet...Co-workers shouldn't walk away from you while you're in the middle of a conversation, especially when you're just trying to collaboratively solve a problem... Should protocol dictate purchase power?... I wonder if I'll ever use AutoCad again, I sort of miss having that software under my belt as a tool.

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It was AMAZING

2009-01-29T09:22:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So we went to San Francisco last weekend. It was one of the best trips of my life. A little weekend getaway...not really vacation, not really travel, but amazing...

Here's a run down of events:

We were supposed to leave at 12noon. I didn't end up leaving Irvine until almost 11:40, so needless to say, I was late. We had a little time at Matt's place then we got on the road. There was a bit of traffic, but we were out of the way before rush-hour.

We drove until around 4pm, when we got to Pismo Beach. Matt's mom had recommended we try to see the butterflies, so we got off the freeway. No butterflies, but a beautiful sunset. We sat on the beach, and a wonderful woman came by taking pictures of the sunset, she snapped a few shots for us. Then back to the truck where we lit the Shabbat candles.

Back on the freeway it rained a bit, but we pulled off the road in Paso Robles for dinner. A tad bit of a hard time finding a place, but we managed to find the historic old town and had Italian. Not fabulous, but it was cute and a nice little town. We got back on the road and Matt drove while I napped.

My GPS was out of batteries, so we called the hostel to make it there. By 11pm we had checked in. We read a little, had some tea and settled in to bed.

The next morning we awoke slowly, had some time, and then walked over to the museum. There was a long line, but we both got 10am tickets and saw the Afghanistan exhibit. It was AMAZING! If you have the chance to see it, you really must. Matt bought me some earrings, and I made us take cute photos.

Then it was back to the hotel to drop off our purchases, Pho lunch in little Saigon, and hopping on the F Streetcar to the Warf. There was a protest, so we had to switch to a bus, but we made it to the ward by 2. We wandered, had some Boudin bread and tea, did some shopping, saw the seals, etc. We tried to make reservations for Zuni Cafe, but no luck.

Then the Alcatraz tour. It was AMAZING. I'd always wanted to go, and we got the sunset tour. It was really cloudy all day but we stepped on the boat and the sun came out... amazing.

The tour is really graphic, but if you go at night they do a bunch of specialty things while you're there. We got to hear the doors slamming, totally scary. We decide we should try to get to Zuni, even if they said it's an hour wait. So we hop on the F. It's FREE! totally great.

It's a cute little ride and we take pictures. Then we get off and get to the Zuni cafe. We walk in and the bar is overflowing with people waiting. However, there's a 2-person table in the cafe. We are seated immediately.

We spend the next 3 hours eating, drinking and chatting. A little people watching and wonderful food. We ordered the special chicken, and it rocks.

Then we walk back to the hostel. At this point we really know we're in the tenderloin because we're surrounded by hookers and sleazy men. But we make it home safe, and I fall asleep while Matt reads. I drift off on top of the covers and Matt helps me get settled in.

The next morning we take it leisurely. We walk to Chinatown where there is a fair going on for Tet, the year of the Ox. Lots of people, lots of things to look at, lots of fun.

We do a tea tasting, buy some flowers for the office, and I buy a gift for my wonderful boss who let me leave work on Friday. Then lunch at Nan King.

AMAZING! the first Chinese food I've ever liked.

We hike it back to the car and are on our way by 1:30pm. We drive straight through was a few pit stops for gas, bathroom and split pea soup. Then we get home by 8pm. We eat dinner, watch a movie, and the best part of all is that we're not sick of each other. We want to curl up in bed and stay together.

That was a awesome trip.

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Off to San Francisco...

2009-01-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So M@ and I are headed to San Fran tomorrow. Before I go though, here's a list of things I'm doing:

-----------~~~~~~~~~~~-------------~~~~~~~~~~~---------
Music Rights for Bacchae, specifically trying to find Iwamoto Yoshikazu and the Spiritual Chants of Native America.

Music Rights for Book of Tink, including Moby and two songs by Verve Forecast.

Set-up chairs and tables for the Academy of Lifelong Learning 12th Night presentation.

Pack for the trip

Try to make dinner for my parents

Find out why Arrowhead water has stopped delivering water to my office

Find out why an HVPO for lighting didn't go through so we can get our lighting package on Monday.
-----------~~~~~~~~~~---------------~~~~~~~~~-----------

But let's get back to the point... San Francisco. I am SO excited about this trip. I've been trying to to arrange a trip for M@ and I since we went to San Diego. What a weird trip that was. I wanted to write disaster, but that's not really true. The trip was fun, the places we went were great. The argueing, not so much. It was at the end of our relationship, and San Diego just solidified what we already knew.

With San Francisco we've got lots of plans. We've got, what I think, is a great hotel room. We've got plans for a museum, an alcatraz tour, and dinner in Chinatown.

I'm psyched. And I'm psyched that it's all going towork out wonderfully. And, more important, if it doesn't then I'm not really worried about it. I know we'll enjoy a good time.

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Does anyone have a knife with which to cut the tension?

2009-01-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I've tried really hard, but apparently the plastic throw-away knives just aren't enough...

Things here are starting to get just the slightest bit desperate. I didn't realize how much a bad economy would effect a public institution, but let me tell you, it sucks! Just yesterday the Acting Dean sent out a notice letting everyone know that they would be halting construction on the new building. The pride and joy of CTSA, and now it will just be a constant heartache every time I need to go to the Claire Trevor Stage. I really wish/hope/dream/pray that there will be an overload of donors rushing around to support this new building. It's just sad to know that because our building is supposed to be funded with state money, we can't fund it at all...

Additionally the reality around here is starting to be realized that we are going to be making some more hard adjustments before we are able to be through this... that staff are the 'bottom' rung of the neccessities. Perhaps just a step higher than contract employees. All my dreams of moving back out of my parents house are certainly on hold. Though, as M@ put it yesterday, I could just end up in the situation that with no job I would be 'forced' to move in with him. Think of the disaster **wink**.

On another note I think that all of my loyal readers should be thrilled right now. That's right people, two posts in ONE WEEK! Shock!

I'm going to try to get back into a regular weekly feature. I've been making lots of new recipies, so maybe I'll feature one of those... I've been working out A LOT and trying to lose a bit of weight, so maybe I'll do a progress update. My sister is also getting married so a weekly 'why weddings stink' article might not be to much of a stretch.

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions on how much you DON'T want to hear about my sisters wedding? Speak now, Internet, or hold your tongue.

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What a weekend

2009-01-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I want to start off this post by saying how wonderful the weekend was. To describe the happiness at reading a book outside on the beach, that I didn't take a nose-dive on my roller skates, and that my parents loved the Hockey game was saw. That the Ducks and the Steelers won, and that the game played at Nikki's house was delightful. Even with all this good, I can't help but want to recall the bad.

Sometime on Thursday evening, the world sort of feel apart. I discussed things with Matthew, and no matter what the responses were, I was annoyed by them. Annoyed to the degree that I spent over 30 minutes searching the house for chocolate, having to settle on Chocolate pudding (of the sugar-free fat-free variety which does very little to actually solve a chocolate crisis). I proceeded to argue loudly and determinedly with my father and generally went to bed angry. Following that I got up angry. I went about my day fairly angry. Though I'm sure my colleagues couldn't really tell nonetheless I know that I was angry. I dejected the fairly straightforward healthy eating I had been doing so great at. I rejected any attempts my own psyche made to correct the attitudinal problem.

Then Matthew called again. He, of course, had no idea I spent the bulk of the day angry and pissed off. He had no idea that I felt that it was mostly his fault. We proceeded to attempt to resolve the problems we were discussing the night before, to little or no avail. Remembering my lunch conversations that day I even tried out a tip from Ron... but to no avail. My anger continued to boil and fester and grow. I tried to remain calm, to talk rationally. Every attempt was rebuffed with anger from the other side, or from an accusation that I was 'yelling.' Still, I got in the car to attempt to go to a friends house. To enjoy the Friday evening we had planned, and to resolve our issues. It turned from two very minor unimportant, and really solved problems, to a discussion about our personal communication. Without going to much into the abrasive car ride, by the time I hit the 22 I had absolutely exploded.

When I say exploded, I mean that in a very specific way. I yelled, to the point that today, three days later, my throat is still hoarse. I cried, to the point that I almost caused several high-speed collisions. At the end of it all, I don't think we resolved anything.

How much of this crap is really important? How weird is it that once I got there the hug made it all better and the evening and the rest of the weekend was brilliant, but that I still care about what happened on Friday night? What issues are important enough to know that you can not get through them? To know that attempts at a really long-term thing will be able to overcome?

well, on a more timely note, I'm supposed to go to lunch with Marshal. Here goes nothing....

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A career path

2009-01-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I've been starting to think a little more 'long-term' about my career path. This conversation has gone through oh so many twists and turns through the years. When I was younger I was quite positive that I would work for a few years, then spend the rest of my life tending my home and my children. Through high school I even went so far as to avoid work until I graduated. I adopted the mantra 'I'm going to work for the rest of my life, why start now'.

Then I was quite positive that I wouldn't even really do that. I was positive of this even as I spent $40 thousand dollars a year on a college education... hmm... Then, I started working. I loved it, I love everything about it. Yes, as with everyone else, there are days when I would rather be in bed or on vacation. I get that twinge of interesting regret that says that I should just live on a boat and travel the world, but the reality is that I love coming into an office. I love the people, the problem solving, and knowing that I have goals set.

Well, now that I know I love it, the question is where to go. I applied and was accepted to a fantastic master's program at USC; post-secondary education and student affairs. Then life changed and I don't really think that's an option anymore. I'm still thinking that I want to be in a college though. I'm wondering what my next move is if I want to be a teacher, if I want to be a housefellow (dorm staff member) or if I want to become President of a University. Do I need to be a teacher? Can I transition from APM to PM to Teacher?

What about being in administration? How do you become the Assistant Dean, or Head of anything? Can I walk into a Career counselor and say I want to be a chancellor, just like someone can say they want to be a doctor or a lawyer?

On another career path note, can you get a promotion without an increase in salary? Is it still called a promotion? The Oxford English Dictionary doesn't make any mention of mandatory monetary compensation; but my Dad seems to think that it MUST come with $.

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3 months sure went fast

2009-01-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Who would believe that just three short months ago I was just starting with UCI. I can't believe how quickly time has flown by, and how much I've learned. I know you learn a lot whenever you start somewhere new, I just can't describe how happy I am to be learning here.

On other notes, I'm trying to plan dates throughout the rest of the school year. Working occasional weekends has meant that I've needed to be extra diligent in trying to plan weekend getaways. I'm happy to report that m@ and I are taking our first little road-trip this month. I'm sure I annoy the hell out of him, but I'm just so excited. Road-trips are one of those things that I think are really fun, and traveling is something I think that M@ and I should really do more of together. It's something we both love, so why not love it together.

Let's see...what else. I've been scrapbooking a lot and reading a lot. I got myself a few great books, and I also got a few for the holidays. I'm looking forward to trying some of the wines in my 100 greatest wines book, and recipes from Miriam's kitchen. I've also invested in a library card so I can keep reading interesting things.

I'm trying really hard to integrate important spiritual readings into part of my Saturdays. I haven't found a temple yet, so I'm going to try to observe the Shabbat with a reading habit. I figure I start with Torah portions and end up with biographies and historical fiction. Anything that teaches me something new, right?

Do you believe in New Year's Resolutions? I can't decide. Part of me totally wants to make some, and then keep them and prove how cool I am. The other part of me realizes that I don't need a New Year to make changes, and that somehow doing them over the new years makes them somewhat more likely for failure. Hmm....

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And introducing 2009...

2009-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I think it started a tad bit auspiciously, with a foggy night as a bookend to the new year transition. I can't help but wonder if the cover of fog allowed a slightly sinister year to begin... or am I attributing far to much to a few foggy nights just a few miles from the ocean?

Either way the holidays have been good to me. I was lucky enough to be able to take some time off of work, and to spend most of the time either celebrating with family or with Matthew in Manhattan Beach. Both activities made me very happy. I was thrilled with celebrating Christmas with his family for the first time. It seems so odd that it's been years of being together, and yet our first Christmas and Chanukah celebrations. I was shocked by the present load related to Christmas, honestly, it was all a bit much.

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and I can't tell you how excited this book has me. I was considering offering it to another friend I know wanted to read it when I was finished, but I think that I should hang on it, keep it around for a little pick me up when I need it most.

Sometimes it's hard for me to have the spiritual conversations I want to. Sometimes I have a yearning for a deeper understanding of G-d, and for someone to discuss these revelations with. However, I haven't found anyone. Those in my life I used to connect with have been recently unable to process these thoughts, and I'm still looking for a spiritual teacher. Those who have read the book will know that she has a Guru. No, that's not what I'm looking for. Really I want a Rabbi or a Rebbitzin who I can connect with, who I can truly engage with to discuss the truths of my life, and how I connect with G-d.

I brought Molly up to visit with Matthew and I in Manhattan Beach. I'm pleased to say that she is doing wonderfully. It was so nice to have her there all week, and I didn't even really mind it when she meowed at the door. (Matt decided he didn't want her in the bedroom).

Okay, I guess that's it for now...

I wish everyone a happy, healthy and rewarding 2009.

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Ellipses

2008-12-09T15:50:00.001-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

And again, almost another month. So sorry, dear Internet.

I guess the only thing I have to say for myself is that life is busy, and that things are going well. Also, that I've been sick.

Do you think it's unreasonable to imagine that someone would do the dishes more than once a week? Is it unreasonable to imagine that they might do them at least twice?...I decorated with beautiful hand-made glittery blue candles and hurricane jars filled with balls and lights...Getting sick twice isn't any fun at all... Why have we decided to bail out the Auto companies? What changed... WCDAC party was quite nice this year. It was great to see Dick... I sent out the cards, I know I screwed up on at least one, I'll bet there are more... I'm trying to come up with a great gift for my sister and her fiance, any thoughts?... I'm really excited to start planning for our trip to SF, why can't we start now?... The Latke Vodka party should be awesome, at least I hope so... Only 1 RSVP so far, but it's still early... M@ 's company is having a party tonight and I'm a little to sick to go.... I'm not 100% thrilled with my new soccer team, I'm skipping out tomorrow due to illness, but Ruki is a great leader!...What should you do when a friend basically says that they don't want you anymore...

Really though, things are going great. Happy Holidays, just in case I forget to write for another month.

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I am the Happiest Girl...

2008-11-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It's so good to be able to write and say that life is going well. That I'm really happy with my job, that I'm really happy with my boyfriend, that I'm really happy in general. That I'm going to the gym, eating reasonably well, going out with friends, making money....

Yes, there are a few things that I could complain about... but why?

So rather than go into details about any of that, I'll talk about something that worries me. The economy and Not-for-Profits.

Unfortunately another theater group, the lovely and talented Opera Pacific here in Orange County, has folded. While it hasn't been in a good financial situation for a while, it's sad that this latest economic downturn has created a situation where it's only option was to close. I almost worked there...

So many of my friends are out of work. I'm almost terrified- last one in first one out you know. Even in the entertainment for-profit the world seems to be having an effect. I know lots of people who are talented and experienced who can't seem to find something on which to hang their hat. Hmm... I don't usually follow this type of news, but I'm trying to get better at acknowledging how it might affect my life, and how, as an adult, I should be paying attention.

Has the economic down turn affected you?
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What a long week...

2008-10-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This week was my first tech week here at UCI. I loved it. Even though there was a lot of stress to be working through weekend time, and into the evenings for three straight days, it was really impressive to see the show. I'm very impressed with the dedication and hard work of everyone who is involved with this performance. It was a great introduction to UCI shows.

However, the reality of it all is that I'm tired. That I had a 6 day week of working, and that it is fairly exhausting to have so much work.

I did get to go to the Ducks Hockey game last night. It ROCKED! We beat the Redwings in 5 minute sudden death overtime. There was a moment when we thought they were going to call back our winning goal (they had already called one back that night) and I almost stopped breathing watching the referee on the headset. You may wonder why I was so consumed, because we all know I don't watch the games on days I'm not actually at the game, but I REALLY wanted us to win. And we did!

Hmm.. what else. I baked pumpkin cupcakes last night, which was quite exciting. They turned out very well and I'm excited to ice them tonight and serve them tomorrow.

Which also reminds me Internet- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

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Political ideas seeping into everything

2008-10-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I love and hate this time of the year. When everywhere I look there is some other thought about the upcoming election. I love that more and more Americans appear to be getting involved every year. This may just be my personal perception, but it's one I really like. I love to see people holding signs, even if I don't believe in them. Having an opinion and using your vote to express it is an innately American ideal, and I'm proud that we are continuing this remarkable tradition.

On the flip side though, I hate it. I hate being surrounded by friends political ideas. I have to admit that there are relatively few things that I feel politically impassioned about. I have my opinions, and while I'm happy to share them, I don't ever feel the need to change some one's mind about their thoughts. I hate it when people tell me that 'I'm wrong.' As far as I can tell, political causes are still vastly about opinion. It's not fact we're debating when you tell me that homosexuals shouldn't get married... I don't mean to be calling light to CA's prop 8, but it seems to be the one confronting me most often. Every time I turn on the TV in my house, there is someone else there to make a snarky and highly inappropriate (in my opinion) comment on the people in the show who are depicted to be homosexual...or even curious.

I just have to say it. It is my opinion that you cannot believe that homosexuality is a choice and believe that you can label a man as gay because he appears to be so to you! You have to make a choice. Either, people are born gay and that means the man you see who is married with a child but appears gay to you is hiding or denying himself. -OR- you believe that you make a choice and then someone who hasn't "made" that choice is not gay.

Yes, I've said it. This is my opinion. I don't care which one you believe in ,but pick a side. I'm tired of people telling me that they don't like people because they perceive them to be gay, but then tell me that being gay is a choice. GRRR..

Okay. Back to the main point. I'm all for political awareness, but let's all remember that we want to be friends when the election ends and that it's all really about personal opinion.

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Loving it more and more

2008-10-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I really am totally loving my life. With very few exceptions, each and every day has been a great one.

My new job is fabulous. I love my boss and even though I'm still not doing as much as I want to, I'm getting new tasks all the time. I'm so thrilled to be back in the area, working in theatre and having all of those feelings and things that come with the collaborative process. It's also been so interesting to visit my third theatre program, and compare the pros and cons of the several others that I've been a part of.

M@ and I are doing great. Every time I see him, he makes me smile. It's so nice that we're to a point that I can come over to his apartment, sit on the couch and not be even the slightest bit upset that he's off killing monsters on his computer. We've gotten to a point where we see enough of eachother, and that he respects me, and I respect him enough to respect that time as well. I haven't cried in months-okay, that's a lie. I have. I hurt myself, and I'm still a girl who gets emotional once a month....

I'm still working on 'cleaning' up a few things, but I'm really thrilled right now.

I'm finally going to be totally out of the apartment in Pasadena. It's a good feeling to be done, but it's also a sad one. I've lived there for two years, and I can't even believe that I'm out of there. I loved the area, and I would move back there in a heartbeat. For now though, I'm excited about the next step. I'm really hoping that I will get back all of the $ I need from my roommate and my landlord...

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I like to be treated like a lady

2008-10-15T17:43:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It occurs to me today that I really enjoy it when someone opens a door for me. That I feel particularly happy when someone acknowledges that I am a lady, and that sometimes that means boys should do nice things for us. Not to much, but lifting heavy things, holding open doors when appropriate, maybe allowing us to sit in the front seat..

I'm so excited about my birthday weekend. A hockey game, a mud run, dinner, dancing, facials (maybe) and then tea! what a full weekend, but what a fantastic time celebrating.

I am also excited because I'm going to see my first apartment tonight- hopefully I'll like it. We'll have to see what happens.

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Maybe now that I'm working I'll be better

2008-10-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Wow- now it's been a very long time. For those of you not in other contact with me, I'll give you the 5 minute update.

I've started a new job with UCI. I love it. I'm the Assistant Production Manager for the School of the Arts and it is so wonderful to be doing theatre again. To be in the costume shop and to have tools and actors and all those wonderful things. I still get to do music concerts, but I also get to do dance and special events. Thrilling.

In order to start my job on the 1st I left my apartment and moved in with my parents. What a crazy and frustrating adventure that has been. They are wonderful people, but there are so many frustrations. I have a lot of stuff and trying to put it all into one room is impossible.

I'm still with (or just with) Matt. Things are going really well. We have very full weekends, at least this month, so we'll see how they continue to shape up as we move along the rest of this year.

My birthday is coming up, and my sister is coming down for it. I'm thrilled about that. I'm doing the Mud Run at Camp Pendleton, at least I'm going to try. I injured my right foot trying to train for the event... we'll see what happens on saturday.

I'm having a problem dealing with people's political opinions. I have been dealing with two people who have very strong, and in my opinion wrong, ideas about a few different things. While I've tried to get to the point where we're all okay saying that we can just agree to disagree, it doesn't seem like these two people are willing to let me have my opinions. I have tried to just be quiet, but it's so hard. Thoughts?

Well, I think that's it for now. I'll try to get back to a usual typing and some good thoughts.

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The longest I've gone

2008-09-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This is the longest I've gone without writing. Hmmm...

I went to San Jose and helped my sister pick out her wedding dress. Though there were some stresses, I'm happy to say that she has purchased it.

It's funny how this whole wedding thing has created so much drama, and how I'm thinking about the wedding in relation to my own- and I'm not even engaged! It's just so easy to have all these conversations and figure out how you would handle things, and what's important for you, as opposed to my sister. My sister is going to look stunning, and she is doing SO WELL! We even bought a bridesmaid dress over the weekend.

I injured myself again- my right foot. I had x-rays, I'm thankful to say that it's not broken, just tweaked a bit. I'm heading to the New Balance store to buy myself some new running shoes, so I can finish my 10K eventually. I can't wait to try to get the shoes, and maybe some ankle supports for my running. I haven't trained this week, but I'm hoping to get back into it by the middle of next week.

Job hunt is frustrating... I have put a hold on two offers and turned down one offer in waiting for the last one, the one I really want. I should find out today, but I am SO nervous!

October is coming up. I love Halloween, and I'm thrilled that my B-day is coming up. If you want to come celebrate, we'll probably be doing something on the 19th!

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Election thoughts

2008-09-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I want to start this post by acknowledging that I'm not writing this to change anyone's mind, and that I'm not sure I have any answers myself...

Initially I was excited about McCain. I realize he's old, but I think that he has a lot of experience related to being President. I think he has some good ideas. Honestly, I think I was about McCain because I was annoyed that Hillary lost. Hmm... When I look at Obama I'm nervous. He doesn't seem to have the experience that I think the President should have. But, then again, I think we need some changes, and I think that a lot of his positions are 'spot-on'.

Let's talk about vice presidents. I'm annoyed on both sides. I think that Palin is a capable woman, but I worry about her new son, and her daughters soon-to-be child. She, and her family, seem to be very capable, but again, I worry. Is it bad that I don't worry the same way about Obama's somewhat young family the same way? Some of her thoughts about our country seem so backwards. But I am more concerned about Biden. He's older than McCain, and I think that some of his ideas just aren't the best either....he seems to waver a lot on different issues, and his past political campaigns are riddled with lies.

Just some musings...

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Musings, lots of them.

2008-09-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So I have more job interviews. One tomorrow with a follow-up on Friday of next week, one on Monday, and I'm hoping to apply for about 4 more jobs this week to bring my total up to 20.

I've been helping the boyfriend move in. I can't seem to figure out where to draw the line on things that are just to annoying to be tolerated, and things that should be fine, especially since I'm not really living with him...

Let's take organization. Maybe on a basic level, such as throwing out the mail after you touch it, rather than throwing it on the floor. Keeping things clean, and enjoying knowing that things are clean and tidy. Let's take his CD's, he has this habit of deciding that any CD can go into any CD case... I know these things are little, but I can't help but wonder if they are larger things in the big picture.

We've been having some rough days, where every things has started out unhappy, but ends up being fine. That tells me that we're doing okay, and that we know how to work with each other. On the other hand, I wonder if it's really that we are just comfortable with each other, and not willing to take the next step (actually move in with each other) should tell me that we might be doing what we're doing because it's easy.

I really loved having this weekend with my CMU friends. To have the 'group' back together in some form, with 5 of us it's enough to really feel together. With these feelings comes even more anger and disappointment at those friends who have decided to cut me out of their lives. Those friends who, without apparent reason on my end, decided that they didn't have time for me, or that they just didn't want to care anymore...

The month of Elul is upon us. For those of you who don't know Elul is the name of the Jewish month at the end of the year. Sort of like December, but for us it's really about trying to 'catch the spirit' of new beginnings. I'm really trying to dedicate myself to a more through understanding of Judaism, and really try to make choices about mitzvot, important perspectives and Jewish ideals. It's not that I don't already have these things, but I think that it's really time for me to try to dig a little deeper. To understand a little more. I've joined a learning program where your study partner calls you once a week to discuss whatever topics you choose. I'm really excited because it's a Jewish community brought to me.

The sprinklers at the new apartment make it look like it's raining...

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Turned it down

2008-08-28T17:51:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I got offered a full-time job... and I turned it down. Not sure how I feel about that.

I'm trying to keep things together right now... lots of changes.

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Just not sure what is going on, or what to say about it

2008-08-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I had a few things I wanted to blog about, mostly how annoyed I am with little things in life. Let's see if the ideas are coming out...

Michael Phelps... what a wonderful athlete. I'm totally in support of being in awe and happy with our crazy athletes... however, I'm a little OVER the whole craziness. What is the problem with acknowledging the three other people who make a 4 person race gold medal. I can't even imagine how annoying it must be to be them. Especially Lezak, because he make up SO much time, and all anyone could say was another gold medal for Phelps.... woot...

I'm annoyed by landlords... why do they have to be such A*Holes. M@ and I went to hermosa beach to look at apartments and I can't even believe how pathetic everything was for the landlords. we met with this one guy who asked for $100 to run the credit. Then he said he wanted $500 in CASH for an additional retainer and was a complete jerk in relation to him proving his salary. Needless to say, he decided to just lose the $.

I finally managed to buy myself a teapot. As long and as hard of a decision it was, it was made vastly easier by Esther, my Vietnam travel companion. I found one I thought was decent, and while I was debating and looking around, she haggled the price for this 5 cup teapot down to about two dollars. I can't even believe that- I guess I should be thankful, because now I have a teapot in which to try and manage to mix and match my tea collection.

Speaking of tea, because Internet I love it, I want a way to nicely and cleanly show off/organize my tea collection. I have a very extensive collection, with loose-leaf tea from every location I've visited (okay, exaggeration police, not EVERY country, but certainly every trip). In addition to these tea parts, I also have a fairly large selection of bag tea. I love to have a totally random collection, with herbals and whites and blacks and greens. Unfortunately these are so many and in so many boxes that I can't keep them straight. Any good ideas?

I did some reminiscing a few weeks ago, looking through pictures and notes and cards. I can't tell you how weird it was to read love letters from previous boyfriends and realize how much time has passed. Additionally, Internet, I want to know how many of you write love letters now? Is that something we're all passing over now adays?

Okay.. thanks for the randomness break... back to job searches.

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A very crazy few weeks

2008-07-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Let's see what happened:

ComicCon: I went down to San Diego with about 5 other people, and it was an amazing weekend. IT started off a little terribly, with an accident on the 5 by Camp Pendleton. Basically it took us 2 hours to go 7 miles.
Look it up on video here or in words here. Really, neither of these articles help explain the 2 hour backup. The boys got out of the car and WALKED faster. But eventually we made it to ComicCon. The hotel was great, the Hyatt by the Convention Center, and the activities rocked. I got to meet Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters! WoHOO! We watched tons of previews, including Terminator, Disney, Watchmen, the Spirit and a few others. Lots of floor time, and lots of purchases. We even made time for seaport village and dinner

JOB INTERVIEWS: I had one in San Diego, which went well. It was for a Managing Director job, which was really exciting. Then I've had two others, one with a symphony and one with a reunions program at a private university. They have all gone well, but I'm anxious about second interviews, and the lack of 'call backs'.

FAMILY: My sister is at home working on wedding things. I've seen like 8 photographers, 2 DJ's and so far 2 dress stores. There's no time for breathing, let alone anything else!

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Interviews Ahoy!

2008-07-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I've had two interviews so far. I think they both went well, especially since one was in person and one was a phone interview. It's funny to try to comprehend the job responses I've been getting, who has called me back and who hasn't...

I won't go into details about the interviews here, if you want to know you can call me, but needless to say one job might be a little above me, and one might be a little below me. We'll have to see where it all lands.

I've been inundated by engagement announcements. People I thought might never get married, let alone get married before me, are totally engaged. I know that's ridiculous, to think that I should be married first, but it's true. I'm happy for them, but I can't help wondering what's up with me...

My parents didn't meet, let alone get married, until after they were both 30. I know that's totally reasonable and okay, but I always thought it would be different for me. I always thought that I would be making that transition sooner...

I used to think that I just wanted to be a stay at home mom, but I realize that I love working. I'm a hard worker, and I'm good at the jobs I do. I don't want to have kids tomorrow, but I want to have the opportunity to be with my husband, to make a life with him before we add kids to the mix.

I guess I'm just feeling a little frustrated by 'life planning'.

I know, man plans and G-d laughs. But I always thought that woman was supposed to...

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Home, trying to adjust

2008-07-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This has been one of the hardest adjustments I've ever had. My body clock just can't seem to settle itself... i haven't slept through the night since I've been home. (except the one time I slept the entire day...)

I have my first job interview Tuesday. With SCR... I'm really excited. If anyone has heard of a job that I might be good at, please pass it along.

The trip was fabulous. I had a truly amazing time. I learned a lot about myself, being in a crazy undeveloped nation. I learned about how I interact with others, which went surprisingly well... I learned more about food and culture and how Americans are perceived, also what happened in Vietnam, from the Vietnamese perspective.

I had an amazing adventure, it felt like a really long time. I loved Cambodia, the people are so friendly. Even though I know they are poorer than Vietnam, they all seem so much more friendly and personable.

I learned that I can handle it. Being in a foreign country, and that I can really have a good time.

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To my loyal readers

2008-07-03T05:23:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

i am alive. I am safe in Cambodia. I will write again...

i promise.

bTW: I will be starting a JOB SEARCH on Tuesday of next week. Any thoughts?

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Vietnam musings

2008-06-22T03:45:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

What do they really think of Americans? I can't help but wonder why they listen to Johnny cash, after we destroyed their country.

Oreos in HaLong bay...wow...

They seem to be very friendly, I wish I spoke better. I talkled about the economy. Lambs, and boyfriends...

It's so hot I can't even stop sweating for even a second..yuck.

O promise to post some pictures soon...

All in all, I am really glad I came. It is a buit hard to be surrounded by travelors, when I am, in reality, a tourist. I am trying hard to understand their ways, but I don't think that traveling for 8 months would suit me well. Now is a time I could really try that... my lease is up in July... any one want to pack my crap? It's so hard to decide where to go. There are so many options, and I don't want to miss it...

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Vietnam first day

2008-06-20T02:23:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I can't even believe that I am here. I got on a plane to go half-way around the world to a place that I really know little about, and a person I haven't seen in almost a year.

And so far, I'm having a good time. No crazy theviery, just tired, a LONG day, and well, yeah...

Esther is trying to convince me to travel for longer, and try to change my ticket. Technically she's trying to have me diregard my ticket to Siem Reap, and instead enter the country via a boat on the Mekong. It sounds great, but that's about $150... not to mention having to change the ticket for the way home, since it isn't enough time to imagine that we could see the Mekong and Siem Reap is 4 days...

I have mixed feelings. Part of me says HELL YES... but a very large part of me realizes that I need to get to working on what's going on with my life... and that I would want to travel parts of this region again...

What to do?

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Perhaps when I get a job....

2008-06-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I have been applying for LOTS and LOTS of jobs. It's sort of difficult, because some of them I really want. Some just sound interesting and I think I should apply. But either way, I just don't have the answer yet. I'm not sure what I want to do...

Live Theatre: Back to my roots say some. I love theatre, I really do. But after 4 years at CMU I realized that I get frustrated doing the same thing everyday. So, no stage management on a long-running show. I get frustrated with production management because every show it's the same problem with the small off-stage and the wide procenuim, and... and...and... However, I love the people. I love the accomplishment that comes from being done with something. I love being able to sit there and know that I was a part of something. I miss having something I can have friends and parents come and watch...

Student Affairs: The new direction. I have always loved being part of things. I think that student affairs combines, at least for me, the best of making an event happen and helping someone through something/helping someone figure something out. I've always been a see a problem, fix it type person. The one who really wants to help people figure out where to go, and how to get there... I love planning the events others think are stupid. Winter Gala? I'm there!

Grad School: The cheater? I can't help but think this is cheating. I'm just not sure why I applied. Well, I sort of know. Because I could. Because I was there and there wasn't any reason not to.

HMMMM...

On other notes, I got new soccer cleats today. They worked out okay. I'm a little frustrated by my playing as of late, so I'm going to have to work on that when I get the chance. I want to play well, be better than I've been in the past. I want to feel like I have control of the ball, and not tired after 10 minutes of playing, sun or no sun.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

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I just can't seem to do it anymore

2008-06-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

First, practical information. Plans for the trip are going okay. I have applied for about 10 new jobs, so hopefully someone will call me back. Yeah!

On to a rant, because I want to. We have a returnable culture. By this I mean that everything here can be returned. Flowers that you bought start to wilt, return them. Don't like the bed sheets, dress, book, hair color... return it! We can return anything. Don't like the new cat you just adopted, you have 7 days to get your money back. Is this a good thing?

I love being in America, and I know that NO ONE in Europe does this crazy return thing. There, if you walk away from the cash register, even if you turn right back around... you're totally stuck with it. You hand over some money, it's not coming back. Like it or not.

Does this returnable culture affect us in more ways. Are we incapable of committing to something new, all because we have this crazy returnable culture? Don't like your husband... return him...?

Frustration.

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Despite attempts to keep up

2008-05-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It's been a tough transition back to the states. My stomach and mind and body are at war. I won't get into details, I'll just say that as much as I love to eat American, my body doesn't agree.

Vietnam trip is definitely confirmed. Esther as totally agreed with me. So the next step is to start making hotel reservations, the Ha-long Bay tour and the Cambodia tour. I think it will all work out, though I would be lying if I said that last night I was thinking it might be better just to bow out entirely...

I'm having a hard time with all the free time. 3 weeks to do nothing but look for jobs, perpare for Vietnam, and figure out what I'm doing with my life. Seems a lot easier than it is. I don't do well with lots of free time...

My friends grandfather died this week. He had a good life, in his 80's. I'm not going to the funeral, which should be okay with me, but I sort of want to. It's this whole part of a family I haven't met, and the last thing I want is for there to be regret about my attendance later...

I'm trying to get up to San Francisco. The vietnamese have their Consulate there. What's the pluses of living in LA if I have to go to San Fran for the visa?

I have a feeling that my writing will be more sporadic until I start school again or get a job... Keep watching though...

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A whole month! So sorry

2008-05-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This is not usually like me, but I guess something changes when the world gets rocked the way mine did.

Iäm in Sweden (as you can tell from the occassional bad spelling and random letters), about to complete my trip with my parents. Overall, itäs been a great time. Some frustrations, some fantastic moments. A lot of learning and having a great time.

Iäll be home on Monday, and promise that I will try to post a few pictures and write more about the trip.

Iäm anxious to get home, but not excited to start the process of figureing out what my next move in life is. There are so many questions yet to answer- I just know that I want to make the right choice for the next phase of my life.

Iäve gotten to the point where Somewhere Over the Rainbow doesnät make me cry, and where I can talk about the job without being upset. I still think they made the wrong decision, but I have really accepted it.

Iäll say this about a cruise with retired people, being the only young one made me quite popular. I got told time and again that I would be very successful in life, and that I have a great talent for being open, and friendly and fun. I was discussing with many people my situation...a good time.

Someone is waiting, until Monday- Tack!

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Or should I jet-set to Europe

2008-04-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I leave for a month long cruise on Sunday. I've decided to tag along with my parents and Aunt. I'm excited, overwhelmed and wondering if I'm crazy.

Before I leave I've decided to apply for a grad assistantship, fill out the FASFA, fill out the suplimental student aid form, and apply for about 15 jobs... sound like a plan?

So, on portugal, on london, on paris and amsterdam. On Germany and finland, russia and sweden...

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Changes changes changes

2008-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So it didn't work out. I took a risk, a calculated risk, and it just didn't make sense. There wasn't any doubt that I was good at my job... there was conflict of personalities. Not really sure what to say about that.

And so I find myself, in this boon of economic times, once again on the job hunt.

Should I cancel my deferment and start my masters degree this coming fall?

Should I get a job in student affairs?

Should I take random PA jobs and learn about film and television?

Should I try to get back into live theatre, and stage manage/production manage?

Should I do something else?

thoughts...?

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Another week...sorry

2008-04-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So, it's apparently been almost a whole week since I last updated.

Important things:

1. Making choices: I find that I am still not thrilled with all of my choices. Sometimes I make the wrong ones, but for some reason, I start to feel that the ones that I screw up are significantly more tenuous and difficult than the ones I used to make. Frustration.

2. Interactions with people: I still find that I'm not thrilled with all of my interactions. I wonder if I'm letting people treat me inappropriately, or that I'm not everything that I could or should be. Is it their expectations that are wrong, or is it my actions?

3. Vietnam: I bought my ticket. $1800 all in (taxes,etc.) It's more than I wanted to spend, but at the end of the day I'm thrilled. I leave at 1am Thursday morning (aka Wednesday night) and arrive in Hanoi at 10am. I leave from Cambodia at 2pm and arrive at LAX at 9pm. YEAH!

4. Tired of being tired: I want to sleep more. That is all.

5. Passover: I'm so excited about passover dinner. If you're around, reading this, and I didn't invite you- shame on me. Call me, and an invitation is on the way. I really hope that people will start to bring food, not just juice or iced tea...

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Another day of theme park magic

2008-04-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I really do love my job. There are a lot of moments when I don't really do things, but I love when I do. I love being involved and alive and really investing in my life.

I am happy with my weekly activities. I still find that I don't have enough time to spend with friends/people, but I'm happy with the people I do spend time with and the interactions I do have.

I'm pleased with my life. I wish I paid less for health insurance/auto insurance, but all of that will come with time. I'm really quite content with life... does that make me weird?

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Tricky times, personal and otherwise

2008-04-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm not really sure where to start. I have a LOT to say about myself, about what happened this weekend, about politics and my thoughts on the war. Where to start...

Most importantly, I think, is the hurt I happened to spread this weekend. I forced people who haven't spoken to me in a long time to rekindle emotions and thoughts about our relationships. I forced myself to take a long, hard and depressing look into my life and the relationships I've forged. Why, you might ask... because I had to. Because someone, a brilliant someone who can see deeper into my soul and my person than I ever thought possible/would ever be possible for me to do myself, brought to my attention that 1+2 did not =3 in my case...

I tore through my past, through the pain I have felt and the pain I have caused others, and came out on the other end with a very painful solution. A thought that I wasn't going to share, yet again, felt compelled to share. And not only did it not provide anything positive for the other person, it was mean and unkind and horrible. I wish that I could have seen through my pain, and into the pain I would have been causing. It's just so incredible, to understand how clearly someone can see right through me. And how my thoughts could be so muffled, and how I couldn't understand my own process. And how I have ended up back in the same corner I was last time... having brought someone down a scary path, and lost them along the way.

This isn't about them, it's about me... but I'm dreadfully sorry.

Additionally, I was just mean this weekend. A friend was sick and couldn't hang out with me, and I was angry at them. I'm not exactly sure why... but I was. I called up to apologize later, but there wasn't any reason for me to be rude. I just can't seem to figure out where I should be these days.

I think I need to take some time out. Try to limit myself to activities for myself, and around myself...

I watched Stop-loss this weekend. If you haven't seen this movie, you should. Especially if you are actively involved in thinking about how the war is affecting America. I won't give it away, but I loved the way she used live film footage, took action shots and really made me feel like I was there. She didn't ignore the sad moments, but at the same time, she didn't ignore the honor and the desire of the soldiers.

I think the war is a horrible thing, but I also think that it's exceptionally complicated. It's so multi-faceted that it can't easily be explained by either side, without some sort of ignorance or pushing of an agenda. The movie seemed to be fairly unbiased. It presented the horrors of Stop-Loss and the horrors of being a soldier; but at the same time, it seemed to be impressively able to explore and develop real people in these situations.

I wish that I was more politically minded, and I know that those of you who are will be saddened by my process, but I support my country and for me, that support means supporting the soldiers in the war.

I also went to the Art Walk at the Brewery this weekend. I bought a really cute piece, a little expensive, but I was quite smitten by it. It was a great time, with a great date.

I spent an obseen amount of money at Macy's. My way of getting out my horrible emotions for the weekend. SO much for saving for a trip.

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Still difficult...

2008-04-03T10:53:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The truth, that I'm not sure that I'm even in a tunnel, is even harder to see.

I'm working so hard, I'm trying so hard, I'm drowning.

I don't understand how many people can't be bothered to work out their own problems with the people they have problems with.

I love my job, and in all honestly, I love my life. I just want people to be able to understand that I'm doing my best, I don't mean any ill-will, and that I'm still learning.

On more personal notes, last night ended up being exactly what I needed! Everything I needed, and more than I could have even expected...

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Hahaha, getting better my ass

2008-03-31T13:42:00.001-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm sick. I'm not just a little sick, I'm actually A LOT sick. I seem to have no recollection of a 'getting better' post. But now, the irony sinks in.

The wedding this weekend was brilliant. I LOVE Cami and Jeffy, and now that they are eternally wed, I love them even more. It was great to see everyone, and I even cried a little bit.

I would be lying if I said there weren't some sad or annoying moments. I'm past the point in my life where I want to sit and recollect what happened in college. Get over it. At the same time, I would love to say that I am DEFINITELY beyond the other extreme of assinie conversation..what are you doing? where do you live...etc.

I tolerated people I don't like. I'm not going to go into to much specifics, but I did well. No crazy moments.

Looking at pictures, I'm pleased, but I think I could definitely stand to cast a slightly smaller shadow. Sometimes I feel a bit 'thick'.

If I haven't been obsessed with weddings, I am now. It was gorgeous, and I cried, and I want to get married.

Here are some of my thoughts from the wedding:
1. Practice your dances in your dress, if you're going to practice at all. Jeffy and Cami had obviously attempted to practice their first dance. It was so cute. However, I will just say it, their last dance of the night was probably more beautiful...just because of their connection and happiness, and alone-ness on the floor. Cami and her Dad apparently practiced a waltz, but nerves got the better of them.

2. Go for the lighting additions. Scott and Jeffy did some brilliant lighting design. I realize that yes, they are lighting designers, but it certainly added some brilliance

3. Pick a best man and a maid of honor. I realize that there is quite a desire to be impartial to your friends, but I think that everything gets simplier if you just make a decision. But, that's just my thoughts...

4. Chocolate covered strawberries! YUMMY!

5. Don't forget the pen for the guest book... we found one eventually.

6. JUST GET UP AND DANCE... they moved the head table off the dance floor, brilliant thinking.

Pictures to follow...

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Getting better.... I remembered

2008-03-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today was a decent day. It appears like much of the 'hullabaloo' seems to have died down. Since I'm skipping next weeks game, I think everything should be fine.

I watched ANTM last night, and if you TiVoed it, stop reading now... SPOILERS!

I cannot believe that they sent Amiee home... I really liked her. She was so cute. You'd think that by now I would understand that if they focus on someone, it probably means they're leaving. I didn't think her photo was that bad, but mostly I just thought that she had more talent than Dominquie has in her whole person...

Ah well...

On to Top Chef... it was the best possible answer, and the person that I most wanted to go home out of the available options. Mind you that I didn't want any of them to go... this was just, in my opinion, the best of all possible worlds.

END SPOILERS!

I'm heading to Denver for a wedding this weekend. I'm really excited about the wedding, and about seeing people I haven't seen in a while. If only Caitlin, Shannon, Nikki, and Graham were attending too. Regardless, I'm psyched!

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I missed a whole week... sorry

2008-03-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I don't even know where to begin. How awkward and upsetting my work life has become due to Kickball.

I'm not sure where to start this story, only to say that I sort of feel like I want to cry, and I'm upset that it got to this point in the game, where people where upset with me and didn't feel like they could talk to me. Where people where upset with my excitment and energy, and my looking out for the best interest of my team.

I'm upset that I sent out me "I'm quitting' e-mail and no one has said anything to me. Well, except for someone who's no longer on the team.

I'm upset that I tried to do something good for the company, and for the team... I got totally bit in the ass for it. I'm upset that when I woke up this morning I didn't want to come into the office, absolutely UNRELATED to work...

I'm upset that my great day yesterday, at a theme park on the company dollar, got screwed up by a stupid phone call and kickball drama.

KICKBALL! It's just a game. I may appear to be getting 'to into it' or to intense or whatever... it's just a game. I like to play games, I like to be committed and involved. Why ruin that for me.

I didn't mean to upset anyone...in fact, that was the LAST thing I wanted.

But it's fine, i'm out of the way. I'll just stop...good luck.

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I want a secret pen microphone

2008-03-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Have you ever had one of those moments when you want to be able to hear what other people are talking about? I have those moments ALL THE TIME. Today, I wished, once again, that I could place a little secret microphone on someone to listen in on their conversations.

It's not that I want to steal information that's private... well...okay... It's just that I want to know when someone is talking about me. I want to know that they are discussing me, so I can understand their thoughts, and react to them on my own.

Often times people don't really share their thoughts about you. It's rude, certainly not the most professional thing to do, at least from the PC world we live in.

But I'm not like that. I want to hear your thoughts...the only problem is that I don't want to have to hear them from your mouth. I don't want to sit in a room, because I will probably cry. I want to hear them discreetly, and internalize and process and become better....

So, I guess, the answer is to IM me, send me an e-mail, or drop a note on my desk. No, anonymous doesn't really help.... I need to know who you are, or I can't figure out what part of my process is wrong...

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It's been a long, been a long, been a long time....

2008-03-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Things worth updating:

I still like the job. I'm starting to feel a little sad that the people at the old job have moved on so diligently, but what are we going to do....
Soccer is going great. I not only scored a goal this weekend, but I made an amazing save as the keeper too!
Kickball is still as fun as ever, but we're not playing to fantastically....23-0 last game. No, not us.
Relationships are just as contentious as usual, with a few wonderful highlights thrown-in for happiness.

Debates I'm having...
Does discussing politics have to devolve into a bad debate? Is a discussion not possible? Are we, as politically correct people, too polite to actually allow a discussion to happen. Do we have to decide that these conversations "religion and politics" are really to contentious to discuss? I'm frustrated. No, I don't know as much as I should, but yes, I do actually enjoy having the conversations...

On other notes, don't go see Fool's Gold, There will be Blood, or Definitely, Maybe. If you already have, I'm sorry my warning didn't come soon enough. If you liked them, then I don't think I understand you. If you worked on them, I guess I'm really glad that you had a job and I'm sure that whatever part it was that YOU were a part of, was great.

I have a lot of thoughts, but I will leave you with only one:

"It's cookie time, it's cookie time, it's cookie time"

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Ellipses....

2008-03-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm a little annoyed that he said no, but I'll be alright....I kicked Molly out of my bedroom last night, she's started to nibble and bite to much....I wonder if the death of that Dungeons and Dragons guy will really mean anything to the world....Hillary Clinton won, the race should get back to exciting....Does a conversion by a conservative rabbi count in Israel?....Kickball really is a great sport, I just need to get on base more often....is claiming that you inspired a shot the same thing as claiming you took it?....Is House still good?.....When is Grey's Anatomy going to start up again, I'm not sure I remember the storylines....How many of my 'friends' do I really want to work here? I keep passing along resumes....Is the Lottery worth it?....

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No....

2008-03-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

No....I'm not engaged.

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Some Explaination...and what happened

2008-03-02T09:33:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I appreciate the amount of talking my last post got everyone to. In answer to some of your concerns I will share this:

1. Yes, he is my 'ex' technically. However, we still see each other at least once a week, and speak on the phone almost daily. I think it was a few days ago when he said that he would love to 'mke me his' but didn't think he could do it yet. We've talked about marriage several times, and he's always told me that he could see himself with me for the rest of his life. If not now, when?

2. If he has said yes, I would be thrilled. I love him deeply, but am tired of waiting around for the 'right time.' This way he knows where my head is.

3. While yes, it could have been a joke, I did it because, if he said no, I could play it off that way. Then we could remain friends, but hopefully I could start to fully concentrate on finding someone who will say yes.

Whether good or bad, I did ask him.

The real conversation:

General conversation about the day then:
me: Do you know what today is?
him: Leap day
me: Yup. Do you know any leap day traditions?
him: No
me: Will you marry me?
him: is that a leap day tradition?
me: yup....well....
him: can I get back to you?
me: I guess so. The tradition was that it was the one day a year when women could ask men to marry them. If he said no then he paid her something to calm the rejection.
him: Like what?
me: depends on the country. From a kiss to a silk dress.
him: I think in this day and age a woman shouldn't wait for a Leap day to ask a man to marry her.
me: Certainly she doesn't have to. Any idea about when you might know?
him: I was deliberately vague....

There you go. He didn't even have a reaction. There was no 'really? or what!' There was just a processing of the question, and an answer (although a bad one to my mind).

How would he feel if the girl he proposed to said that...

We have plans today....I guess we'll see where this goes.

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Sadie Hawkin's Leap Day

2008-02-29T14:32:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today is Leap Day. The added day of the year every 4 years to account for the actual spin of the earth.

Today is, by tradition, a day when a woman may ask a man to marry her. I think I'm going to try it.

Now many of my loyal readers and friends will start to wonder, who, pray tell, is she going to ask. She's not dating anyone serious, she's certainly not in a committed relationship. Well, Internet (to borrow the phrase from Holly), you're totally right. In fact, I plan on asking an EX!

That's right Internet, an Ex-boyfriend.

I imagine that the conversation will go something like this:

Me "Hi, how's it going"
Him "decent, okay, you?"
Me: "Good, do you know what today hi?"
Him: "No"
Me: " It's Leap day today!"
Him: "really? who knew"
Me: "do you know about the Leap day tradition?"
Him "No, what?"
Me: "Will you marry me?"
Him: .......
Me: "I asked you to marry me. I made a proposal...."
Him: .....
Me: "Will you marry me?"
Him: .....
Me: "Well, anyway's, that's the tradition. I'll talk to you later"
Him: .....

Me: CLICK!

what do you think? Good plan of attack? I wonder if he'll read this before I propose? Hmm.....

I guess I'll update all those curious minds on Monday...perhaps with a ring on my finger...hehe

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Almost a week...sorry...

2008-02-27T15:31:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Some new things:

I recieved a book from my cousin's on Friday. I finished it last night. Samson's Lion. A very good book until you get to the final chapter. I thought that the ending was a little weak, to Dues Ex Machina to me. Which was a little upsetting because the rest of the book is SO good. I couldn't put it down. I was literally reading it in the bathroom at work.

I think I've decided to do yoga twice a week. I don't think that once is cutting it for me. I have terrible balance, and I really need to work on my flexibility.

My father came up to my soccer game. I ended up spending almost 12 hours with him. He met me at the field(12:30pm), where we won the game 2-0. There were two yellow cards, it was quite contentious. Then we came home, I showered, and we drove off to Santa Clarita so my dad could buy a motorcycle. Then we had a late lunch (3pm) and came back to my house. At that point (6pm) we decided to go see There will be Blood. TERRIBLE! I couldn't eve believe how bored I was. Then at he dropped me off at home and left (11pm). WOW!

I think that I have gotten better at having ackward conversations with friends in my life. I had an entire- you f*ed up conversation without creating additional animosity or crying. WOW!

Lots and Lots going on at work today. We have lost a piece of art. That's just awesome. Hopefully we'll find it...

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I'm tired of people telling me that the Middle East is a bad place to live

2008-02-19T12:22:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say this, but I think I'm going to anyways. In about a year, to two years I will be moving to the UAE. I'm not going to tell you where, specifically, but suffice to say that I'm really not that concerned.

Today I got in yet ANOTHER debate about the woman in Saudia Arabia who was arrested for being in a Starbucks with a man who is not related to her. I understand that this idea may be quite drastic to us here. However, this was SAUDI ARABIA! Not the UAE. If I have to hear about it one more time...

I understand that I will need to be a modest woman, and that I can't be Jewish there...but at the end of the day I'm headed there with an American company. Can't I be secure in that knowledge...

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Childhood Thoughts

2008-02-18T15:52:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I am spurned to write this by Holly. Thanks for the inspiration...

The first picture I have of myself in California I have long, shoulder length pigtails. I'm in a one piece bathing suit and sitting with one leg folded up, and on my other knee. I've got the biggest grin in the world. The next picture I have of me in California is of me in the same suit, about 2 months later. This time, I swear I look like a boy... my hair had been chopped off to within an inch of my life. Thus started my obsession with my hair.

(Please note that I don't really think that I have an obsession with hair, neither my own, or yours. It's just that after having none of it, I determined that I rather perfer to have some, or a lot. My particular obsession has less to do with the actual hair, and more to do with my control over the existence of it.)

I remember the day my mother cut off my hair. No, it didn't start with a piece of bubble gum. It started with a bottle of spray in conditioner. I have extremely fine hair. My mother had been trying to rid my hair of knots for about half an hour. She had been using Johnson and Johnson No Tears spray in knot detangler. I had started crying about 15 minutes ago. 45 minutes into our hair journey, my mother ran out of the spray, and I ran away, throwing the hair brush the other direction. I believe that it was this moment that my mother decided to cut off all of my hair.

The next week, I was at the salon. I didn't really mind it, it meant I got to sleep more, my mother wasn't yelling at me, etc, etc, etc. It never occured to me how this lack of hair would drastically affect my self-esteem at school.

I was ridiculed mercilessly. It took me until 10th grade to eventually find my love of hair, and a hairbrush. I think we can all agree that it was a good decision...

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Money Money Money Money....Money

2008-02-14T12:06:00.001-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Money Money Money Money.... Money.

It's funny how much money affects our lives. And how often we think about it, talk about it, and consider it when making plans and decisions.

I am a person, and those of you who know me can agree, who epitomizes the idea of the 'cheap' jew. I save money like it is going out of style. At my new job I have divided my pay check three ways, into two different savings accounts. I am a person who knows how much money she has, and strives to keep a balance of $ in and $ out.

There are other people, like my sister. She has no real concept of savings. She can overdraw her account on $1.35 cup of coffee. Interestingly enough, she also spends money like there is no tomorrow. She's trying to plan for her wedding, and yet spending thousands on yoga. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I don't know that it's the best in terms of 'fiscal policy.'

It occured to me today, again, that not everyone has a storage of $ the way that I do. That there are some who work hard, and live (in essence) paycheck to paycheck.

Why is $ such an important part of relationships. When people are intimate, why is $ a problem? Does it matter who pays for what? Making dinner can be just as expensive as a movie for two... Should how much $ a man or woman has affect your decision to marry them? What about their ability to make $?

Why do people think that they need to be so far along their 'life path' before they can commit to something, or someone...

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Valentines Day traditions

2008-02-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I really like the idea of valentines day traditions. For the second year in a row I intend to make a HUGE amount of cupcakes (around the 40-80 number) for work. I've thought it over, and here are some other traditions I like:

1. Flowers for your children. I know this sounds stupid, but I think that celebrating your children's lives, and the fact that they exist because of the love you share. I think this is especially important for girls, but boys can benefit from a display of love as well.

2. A relaxing night at home. I really do think that V-day should be spent in pj's. Maybe in the bedroom. Take advantage of the idea of sharing your love, and make a regular evening a little more special. I think it's too extravagant to try to make dinner reservations, etc. Make V-day a day to share the love you should show every night.

3. Stop the Anti-Valentine's Day events. I am specifically directing this at those people who want to throw an 'anti-love' party. I understand the anti-commercialism idea, but leave it rest at not buying a hallmark card.

4. Allow Valentines day to be with friends too! I don't think there is anything wrong with spreading the friendship love. Give a note to a good friend to thank them for everything. Sometimes it's harder to be the friend than the lover.

For me this year, I'm baking cupcakes and hanging out with friends. A good valentines day to all, and to all a good night!

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Challening times

2008-02-11T11:41:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I really don't know what to do with myself. I keep finding myself down a road that I can tell won't lead to happiness. So why do we travel down roads we've already seen?

Valentine's day is coming up, and I'm quite excited to be baking cupcakes and trying to make people's day good. I think that there will be a LOT of people bringing things in. The current plan is strawberry from scratch, confetti cake, and chocolate with confetti frosting. YUM!

It's been interesting to try to manage my life in terms of after work. Having these regular hours I suddenly feel like I work a lot more, which may or may not be a true reality.

Well, I guess I should be saying- back to work with me. I hope that whatever your plans are this week, they treat you well....

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Jambalaya

2008-02-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Look- I made Jambalaya basically from scratch (and WITHOUT a recipe)

THERE WILL BE A PICTURE HERE...

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I like the word DONE

2008-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It's very interesting and entertaining to be at a job that is SO different than my last one. Again, I find myself running around, highly reminiscent of my CMU days. In fact I think someone told me yesterday when I complained about how much I'm working 'you lived through CMU, it can't be as bad as that'. And it's not. It's really not.

I have rediscovered my love of the word done. It's a simple word, but it's the same thing as when Boevers used to put 'make To-Do list' on the top of his To-Do list. It's a check-mark, it's a red line through something. It's a jolt of happiness and accomplishment that EVERYONE needs throughout the day.

Yeah!

On a seperate note my love and prayers go out to a friend who just lost her father.

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The story of my life

2008-02-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

To much enthusiasm. That is the story of my life. Everyone says that enthusiasm is a good thing, until they meet me.

Today I had my first, you have to much enthusiasm, conversation with my boss. That's right, day 6. Woot! That must be a new record for me. Though, maybe not, because I think it happened that fast at CMU.

I thought that I had gotten better at this. At trying not to screw things up and make people upset at me. It's a ridiculous fine line between speaking up and giving advice, and shutting up and letting people do what they do.

My boss keeps telling me that I have the job, and that I don't need to worry about impressing people. Why can't I feel that way?

He said that someone thought I was 'butting into' meetings. Of course, ironically enough, it was his suggestion that I tag along to lots of meetings. Additionally he said that someone thought I had opinions in meetings I wasn't invited to. Well, I just don't know what to say.

Why do people think that you will get upset at the person who had negative thoughts about you? I need to know specifics. When did I interject an opinion I shouldn't have had? If you tell me more specifically, I can make sure I don't do it again.

I guess I'll just try NOT to have an opinion for the first month...

On another note, I had a GREAT night and an even better morning. At least the day started out well. Perhaps it was, in reality, one of those mornings when I shouldn't have left my bedroom.

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The new job

2008-02-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I thought that by now I owed you all a little about the new job, before the Internet yelled at me.

I like it. It's a lot of work, but I like it. I have finally realized how crazy the life I had at my old job was.

The crazy amount of vacation I had, the crazy amount of sick leave and holiday days. The whole office I had to myself, not to mention the couch and free coffee and tea of any type. The fact that I could, and was requested, to put in my travel time in my own car for $ reimbursment. That I was the only one in my office on Saturdays and Sundays, and that no one was really paying attention to me.

Here, I'm in a huge office. I breathe odd and people know it. It's a 'small' company, and that means that things are a little odd. They create the image of caring for people a lot, but I'm not sold that they do. If they really did, then I would have more than 5 sick days. If they really did, then I would have more vacation than a week. If they really did, they wouldn't dock my pay if I go home sick for a half-day.

However, I do a LOT of work. Lots of meetings, lots of communications, lots of trying to figure things out. There are at least 5 people who are involved in every decision...

But, so far so good. I have to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.

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Something because there is nothing else

2008-02-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

www.ebuckser.smugmug.com

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Helllo hello new job new work

2008-01-31T17:56:00.000-08:00

taOne would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

So I started the new job, and as you can tell from my lack of posting things have been fairly busy. I'm starting to wrap my mind around what my job is, what the elements of the park are, and how I can best do my job and make things work.

I'm trying to make sure that I get here BEFORE my boss, and leave after him. I'm working more hours, but I'm happy. I get to go to dinner after work, go to lunch during work, all those regular things.

My job is a little more about preparing documents, and taking notes than I'd like, but overall a good transition. I feel like I can do this job, but that it will be a continuous challenge for me.

Sorry there aren't many details. Some of it's because things are proprietary, and some of them are because I just don't have the time.

All my love-

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It's finally over

2008-01-25T15:46:00.001-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

My last day at USC. I can't believe that I quit my first job. I can't believe that this is really happening. When did I become this working woman who is onto her second job...

I am so excited, but I'm scared. I'm nervous, but enthusiastic.

Did I make the right decision? Can I even ask that question at this point?

Did I change careers?

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Fresh, wholesome and made from scratch

2008-01-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yesterday I made my first Rachel Ray recipe. It turned out quite nicely. I took LOTS of pictures, as you'll see below (later tonight, when I remember my camera).

Broccoli Soup:

I get fresh organic vegetables delivered to my doorstep. This week I got two heads of broccoli. I love it, but I wanted something more than steamed. Enter the new Rachel Ray magazine (which I thought could replace my Blueprint (HAHAHA)) that happens to have a recipe for broccoli soup.

I changed it a little bit. I didn't have any heavy cream, so I used low fat milk instead. I didn't have Swiss cheese, so I used low fat cheddar instead. Woot! It turned out spectacular. I added some Napa Style grey salt (oh so good) and some cauliflower too.

Look how delicious it was:

THEN, because that wasn't enough, I decided to make glazed carrots. This recipe out of Real Simple (again, trying to replace my beloved Blueprint) was supposed to be to breathe life into bad carrots. Mine were good carrots, but the recipe still worked out great.

I added sugar and salt and let them cook

Then I took out the cooked carrots and left the sauce to reduce.

At the end of the night this was my meal:

Course 1: Homemade Broccoli Soup

Course 2: Homemade Carrot and Couscous

Course 3: Homemade (from scratch) cookies.

Yup, wine throughout, I deserved it. No Microwave, nothing frozen and NO MEAT! Wow....

Then I cleaned the house, lit some candles and put on some music. What a wonderful meal. It almost felt like a meal for a lover- well, I love myself. I wrote in my journal, read the bible (YEAH I'VE READ ALL OF GENESIS!) and took a shower. Cuddling up into bed.

I like this wholesome food, no TV, gym and yoga filled world. Let's see how long it lasts....

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Tu B'Shevat

2008-01-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I forgot. I didn't really celebrate this holiday. I ruined my own goal to celebrate all of the holidays. Then I remembered that I didn't promise to celebrate them the right way. I promised myself to celebrate or acknowledge all of the holidays within the Jewish Calendar.

So here I am, acknowledging the holidays of trees and fruit. I ate a banana and a pear and an orange yesterday. That's something....

Basically it's like a harvest holiday. But on another level, aren't we all like trees in some way? They need air, water and sunshine. We need all three of those things. They grow tall when they can put their roots down deep. So do we. I don't necessarily mean foundation as in parents, or roots, as in a home you own. I think roots refers to a good feeling of knowing yourself. Of knowing who you are, and what makes you tick. The roots of your soul.

So, today, be like the tree. Smile happily at the sunshine...

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Long time no talk

2008-01-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

This week is a hectic one. Not because of any one thing in particular, but mostly because it's the end of something, and I just can't WAIT for it to be over.

It's totally amazing to me how once I said I was leaving people become so mean. And so picky about stupid bureaucratic ideas. Like sick leave. If I call in sick, I'm not sure how I can qualify that as anything less but being sick... I have tried very hard to adjust to how they want things done. I just can't get over all the petty secrecy and the lack of open and honest communication. Is all business like this? It's far worse than the idea of 'need to know' it's just ANNOYING!

I went to yoga yesterday. And I hurt a lot today. I think that I might start going once a week. I've decided that my gym membership isn't very helpful. If I don't sacrifice anything (read cash) then I don't have any motivation to go to the gym... Also the hours of the classes don't line up anymore. Being at work by 9 isn't an option with an 8:30am class. So I found this all-ladies gym. I'll have to see how that works out...and how expensive it is.

I'm trying to simplify my life. I've been debating VERY HEAVILY about cancelling my cable. Do I really need my TV? Then I think back to the weekly viewing festivals I've had with friends. Top Chef and Eureka with Matt, Project Runway nights. I like those events.

The whole of my being is very aggravated right now. I'm even sick....

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2008-01-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Yesterday was not a great day. About 12 microphones (AKA every microphone the production department owns) were stolen from the Audio closet. I happened to walk into the closet with my boss to discover the theft.

It pisses me off. I've been here for a year and a half and never even spoken to the police department, except that one time when I lost some jewelry (which they never found). Now there is an entire theft under my name. Damn it! These are the moments then you need kickboxing. I wanted something to kick and punch at that moment.

Then I found out that my boss rejected my, somewhat sneaky, plan to get health insurance in February. Had I known, I would have called in sick and taken my cat to the vet. GRRR!!! So not only does my cat not get to meet with the vet, but I also need to start paying Cobra insurance at a whopping $300 a month until the new insurance kicks in. GRRR!!!

So I decided to try something new. I tried to bake bread from scratch. I don't really understand yeast. It didn't really work all that well. The bread is extremely dense, and doesn't look that Challah like. It's golden brown, but it didn't rise at all....why...? WHY????

There should be happiness here. Let's try to find some:

Friday Love:

I woke up singing this song. It's great to wake up with.
I get to take this weekend and next weekend off. I don't have to work for 13 days in a row!
I had someone to call and complain to. It's a new friendship, but I'm excited.
The sun shines
I got all of my medications
I still ate some challah and honey
My new lip gloss- bright red
Shabbat Shalom...that's great!
Rustin is coming home.

Ah. So, it's not all that bad...

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Odd thoughts for Hump day

2008-01-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Where did the word/ideas for Hump day come from? I have a theory, that it's from a camel's hump, which is the middle of his body hence the middle of the week...

Why do we fear dirtiness? I guarantee you that the pot I cleaned with my handmade organic soap is clean enough for you to burn your beans in. It doesn't all have to go in the dishwasher...

Do people really have to yell? what do you think you're achieving by yelling at someone? I realize that I am just as guilty of this one, but still.... grrr...

Vietnam has 6 UNESCO world heritage sites. Cambodia has one. So I've designed my trip to Cambodia and Vietnam to see them all. Is this a stupid way to plan a trip? I thought I would have 3 weeks... but with only 5 days of vacation from the new company...I don't know if I can afford that much unpaid time off.

I made the greatest dinner last night. Potatoes, chicken and Marsala sauce. I used the crimini mushrooms I got from the Organic food delivery people. So good... I just wish I was better at making things up on the fly... are you good at that?

Okay- I think that's enough rambling now...

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you know what really Grinds my Gears

2008-01-15T15:15:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

People who go around college campuses to register students to vote. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for voting. However these people are always encouraging you to register in the state you go to school in.

They seem to not understand that changing where you vote is CHANGING YOUR RESIDENCY! Yes, as a student you probably qualify to have your residency be where you go to school...however, if you do this you are saying LEGALLY that you no longer reside where your parents live.

This may not seem like a big deal. In fact, it may seem like a great thing. Out of your parents house once and for all... HOWEVER, it may change the fact that you are a dependent.

Here's what dependent status means:

Qualifying Children:
To be claimed as a qualifying child, the person must meet four criteria:

Relationship — the person must be your child, step child, adopted child, foster child, brother or sister, or a descendant of one of these (for example, a grandchild or nephew).

Residence — for more than half the year, the person must have the same residence as you do
.
Age — the person must be
under age 19 at the end of the year, or
under age 24 and a be a full-time student for at least five months out of the year, or
any age and totally and permanently disabled.

Support — the person did not provide more than half of his or her own support during the year.

Let's compare that to the requirements to be a legal resident of California:

349. (a) "Residence" for voting purposes means a person's domicile. (b) The domicile of a person is that place in which his or herhabitation is fixed, wherein the person has the intention ofremaining, and to which, whenever he or she is absent, the person hasthe intention of returning. At a given time, a person may have onlyone domicile. (c) The residence of a person is that place in which the person'shabitation is fixed for some period of time, but wherein he or shedoes not have the intention of remaining. At a given time, a personmay have more than one residence..

So, let's review:

The IRS says you have to live with your parents for at least 6 months of the year. Voter registration says that you have to have the intention of remaining, have your status be fixed and that you can only have ONE domicile.

While techincally you COULD swing that you intend to remain where your college is- it would be quite easy to look at your college records and determine that your 'permanent address' is not where you are currently.

This whole argument may seem a little outlandish to some of you...and maybe it is...but I swear- it happened to a friend of mine. She had her financial aid taken away....

It's just a warning. Be careful....

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Whirlwind

2008-01-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

Today I found out that I got accepted into the Masters of Post-Secondary and Student Affairs program here at USC. Just what I needed.

There are so many choices in my life right now. Would I still be transfering to Thinkwell had I known I would have been accepted into the PASA program. One day earlier and I would have had that on my plate too.

Am I making the right decision? Should I stay the course here at USC? Is it to late to matter?

My whole life feels like a leaf blowing in the wind. And it's so funny because everywhere I look there are opportunities I would have jumped at had I known they existed.

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World Press Photo Contest exhibit

2008-01-14T18:07:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

The USC Annenberg School is hosting the World Press Photography Contest exhibit this week. It is quite an occasion, with there being only about two stops in the US. If you have the chance to see it, I recommend it.

I'm thrilled with the Photo of the Year. It's here, if you haven't seen it. It's such a dynamic photo. The richness and horror in that convertible in contrast to the destruction and horror all around. I love the girl taking photos with her camera. It puts the whole country of Lebanon in a new perspective for so many people. Technologically advanced, western, and not an image of ridiculous extreme ideas. Of course those who are looking at the World Press photos probably saw Anthony Bourdain's excursions there during the war... but hey..

I keep getting a little annoyed by going through this exhibit. There are so many awesome photos, and not all the categories require a war scene. There are sports categories, entertainment, nature, portraits, etc. One of my favorites from the exhibit was this series, which is so great. I love the gumption of these women. Hell yeah! I get annoyed, however, because there are so many pictures depicting war scenes.

yes, I realize there are a lot of wars going on. But I think it's the presses job, at least in some ways, to balance their reporting. To accurately tell a story. The World Press winners certainly don't balance anything. If I have to look at more photos depicting Israel as the 'bitch' of the world, I'm going to get very frustrated.

I get it, I really do. From a world-view perspective, and also from a photographer making money perspective. In Israel there is a bomb on the roads and a day later (or an hour in a lot of cases) it's cleaned up and the world is moving on. Compare that to the West Bank, Gaza, or Lebanon and there is just a higher percentage of getting a great shot in these areas. So I get it, it makes sense for them to take their photos there. But really, it's not so black and white- good and evil as these photos sometimes show.

The other set of photos that really struck me was this series about soccer players. I can't believe that I live in a world where there are enough one-legged amputees playing soccer that there can even be a tournament. Let alone an All-African tournament. They believe that they can make a career out of this- That there are enough people to play and watch. What does that say about our current world climate...

One last photo to mention. I have never seen a woman more stoic on her wedding day... this woman has so much strength, I can't even imagine it. The love she must feel, and the existence of her life. Instantly I have so much to think/say about her. At the same time I'm wondering why it is that we can't have done a better job for this soldier. We can increase and decrease a woman's breast, but we can't do more to give this man a nose, an ear or a glass eye? I get the bald thing... still... where are the American people for this one...

On a personal note: I resigned my first job today. It went better than I thought it would. I negotiated a great situation, and I'm psyched to start my new gig.

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Sunday Sunday-

2008-01-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

It's been a good weekend. Even though Molly's breath still smells, she looks shiny and pretty, and I think I love her. She's still a bit sick, but what can I do? The vet is only free M-F 1-2:30pm. Great for a working woman.

I think I'm sold on the new job. I'll give the current one an opportunity to make a counter offer, but I'm not sure if I care about that. I'm excited about something new. And a totally different career path.

They've cancelled the two magazines that made me happy. Jane Magazine was my happy magazine. The sane one that didn't make me feel fat, or that my whole life was only about clothes, makeup or mommy things. It made me feel good, and it wrote quite relevant articles. It was the inspiration for my Magazine bible. Then they cancelled Blueprint. My newest love- from (of all people) Martha Stewart. It's only been around for 2 years. It was my muse. The DIY I loved, the fashion that wasn't to disgusting (or expensive). It gave me party planning, and practical notions as well. Oh what I would do to have you back in my corner...

I went to a few parties, I cleaned my work computer. I cleaned my house and added some bedside lamps (I'm not quite sold on them). Overall, it's been a good weekend.

I just want to know whether I will really enjoy the new job. But, I guess that's the challenge. Doing something you don't know the outcome of... I can be strong.

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Things I've always wanted to try.

2008-01-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

1. A tasting menu experience. Watching Top Chef obsessively has definitely created more of a desire to have and eat good food. I'm so jealous of David, and the experience he had.

2. Cooking classes. Again, food is one of those brilliant things that really affects your life. I would love to take one of these classes. They aren't to expensive, and they are just the right amount of time. Anyone up for a class?

3. Sky diving. I think that jumping out of a plane and feeling the wind gush and rush around your body- enveloping you in what you've always thought was nothing.... amazing.

4. Naked photographs. Hopefully this will become a reality in February. I just think that boudoir photos are so fantastic. I love my body, and I think taken from an artistic perspective, it will be spectacular to hang them in my apartment.

5. Weekend getaways. You know those moments that all those people have- where there friends call up and they decide on an impromptu trip to Vegas or Sonoma or where ever. I need more of that happiness in my life.

6. Meet the President. I don't really have a desire to 'meet Bush.' I just want to meet the President of the United States of America. More than just a handshake, I want an introduction.

7. Climb a mountain. I want to have that satisfaction that comes with standing at the top of a mountain and looking down. The sleep that comes with hitting the sack the night after you summit...yumm...

8. A lunch-time tryst. In my office. I think that this is so glamorous. Just having 'afternoon delight' in a semi-public place. In that space where no one should be naked -let alone having sex.

9. A fight. I've never been in one, and though I have seen several I really want to get into one. No, I'm not talking about a girl fight. I want an honest to goodness kicking, punching biting type of fight. Maybe in a bar- with beer bottles.

10. Start a movement of some kind. I think there are a lot of movements. The Post-Secret community is a type of movement. So are those guys who wrote those weird- do this odd thing today books. I want to impact a large group of people.

What are some things that you've always wanted to try?

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A whirlwind of feelings

2008-01-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

A few days ago I had wanted to write about how much feelings have changed. About how interesting it is when you can change/remove feelings of love that you had for a person.

I've tried to do this in the past, but I really think that it's working this time- perhaps to my actual detriment. It's an odd feeling. Just to feel so far removed from someone you used to feel so close to. To know the fact that they are so far away isn't going to really affect your life as much as you thought it might, or think that it should.

Then I found out my Uncle died. I still can't seem to get over this one. It's an odd story, followed up by odd feelings of sadness. Unexpected and weird feelings. Part of it is really that I feel like I don't have any right to feel as sad as I do. That I don't deserve to mourn him because I wasn't as large a part of his life as I should have been.

Then I got offered a great job. I should clarify that I did, formally and actually, get offered a job. I didn't, however, have any offer financially attached to it. The creative guy said that they had a desk, and that if I wanted the job that they wanted me. He proceeded to tell me to talk to the HR people, work out the money stuff and that he was looking forward to working with me.

They really do have a desk for me. In a company growing at a pace leaps and bounds ahead of desk space there is an empty desk, sitting there empty. It has a yellow post-it with my name. Yup- I have a desk for a job I haven't accepted.

It's funny to have gone to this office for the 5th time. To know so many people that those who don't know you are wondering what they are missing.

It's a great job. When all is said and done it is a huge management position, a year or two in the UAE, and a wonderful accomplishment for my resume. Damn proprietary information and the fact that I can't share more than to say it's the 777 project.

I have plans every night this week. I have a party this Saturday, and two scheduled for next weekend.

Time flies when you're having fun.

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My uncle died- and no one told me

2008-01-08T13:23:00.001-08:00

One would hope that I add something to the world- be it good, bad, or indifferent- Me

I got an e-mail in my inbox today. I thought it was something morbid from my dad about some burial plots he bought because it was from a mortuary. It turned out to be the burial announcement of my uncle.

He died almost 3 weeks ago. The funeral already happened, as good Jewish funerals tend to happen. No one told me. I didn't get to go.

I feel like there is some explanation owed here. My Aunt is still legally married to my Uncle, but they have been separated for about 8 years or so- a very long time. Something ridiculous happened, but they remained married because my Uncle didn't care and my Aunt needed health insurance.

I loved my Uncle Jack. I really did. I can remember his smell, and the feeling of his hands. Spending time on the beach with him picking up cans. He's the closest thing to a grandfather I ever had.

When they separated initially I was so upset with my Aunt. I thought it was her fault, that she changed her mind. I was angry that I didn't get to see my Uncle anymore. It turns out it was completely his fault.

My Uncle cheated on my Aunt. My wonderful, beautiful, funny Aunt.

I was so excited, because I knew that my sister was going to invite him to her wedding, so I was going to see him next year. I guess not.

He died on my couch once. No, really. He had just had a quadruple bypass surgery and they put a pacemaker in him. His heart stopped, and the pacemaker brought him back to life.

I haven't thought about him in a while- I'm upset at myself for not caring as much as I think I should...and now he's gone and I didn't call him, and I didn't make the connection again.

You've never stopped being my Uncle. I love you, and I've missed you. I'm sorry I didn't call, but I love you very much.

Uncle Jack Levy

April 28, 1927 - December 21, 2007

All my love

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